Alone in the Dark
Here's the scoop....I've written, rewritten, trashed and started this over about six times. I thought about making this post the "eye on the prize" type of rah-rah speech that I know is necessary and appropriate given my current situation and I also thought about not saying anything at all. Ghosting what I feel passionate about, however, (this blog and all of you) didn't feel like me. Neither of those scenarios felt very authentic or even honest as it pertains to where I find myself physically and emotionally following one of the biggest setbacks I've had in quite some time. So here is the truth....I'm just ok. I'm angry, sad, confused, frustrated and just really freaking tired. For the sake of everyone around me, I wish I could just fake it and say "I"m Great!".....but, really, I'm tired of pretending and I'm finding that just being ok, for now, is enough.
A little over a week ago, I was finally released from the hospital after emergency surgery to remove my left breast due to what turned out to be a frightening MSSA Staph Infection. I will always remember the first few steps I took out of the hospital doors. The cold air was both refreshing, but also like a slap on my face and at that same time as I took a deep cleansing breath in, tears began rolling down my cheeks despite me trying so hard to keep it all in until I got inside the car. I was overwhelmed by this feeling of loss and like I was leaving a piece of myself behind as I walked away from the hospital. That moment, I'm afraid, is etched in my mind now for eternity. I feel like I have spent the past three years running this ultra marathon of sorts that is my life, only to think I had reached the finish line and I've shockingly been told that I took a wrong turn somewhere and have to go back almost to the start and keep on racing. I really felt like I had been slowly wiggling my way out of cancer's tight grasp and her claws have once again clenched me so tightly that I feel like I can't breathe. I guess the difference this time, is I know I have it in me to get out from under this. I know I'm just beginning to unveil to myself a strength and resilience that I will look back on in the rearview of life and be so incredibly proud of.....I know this to be true....but for now, I just need to sit here, in the dark and be still. I need to feel, grieve, plan, dream and hope my way out of this mess that I find myself smack dab in the middle of.
Today I stumbled upon an interview with Matthew McConaughey and the words he spoke, I believe, were intended for me to hear right here, right now. He said:
"Sometimes we have to lean in to the right kind of resistance. Sometimes we have to stay with the uncomfortable situations. Sometimes we need to not turn on the light when we're sad and lonely and lost, and stick with it and stay in this and go....I will come out of this darkness."
As I sit here in my dark place, grieving, thinking, trying to come up with my escape plan, know this...I am ok. One of my favorite authors Glennon Doyle, in her book Love Warrior , talked about not needing to make decisions or basically feel like you need to do or be anything that does or does not suit you on anyone's timeline but your own. I'm really taking this to heart right now because I know everyone wants me to just be good. So do I...but unlike the Mia of situations past, I'm not going to let the expectations of others dictate how or when I get over this. I know I will, so believe you me, my bubbly, optimistic self will in fact prevail, I'm certain. I am, however, ok just chilling in the dark right now, but I swear I can see my way out. I'm not at the bottom of that damn black hole that once consumed me, but I'm also not dancing on that piano bar stage right now either. I'm trying to figure out how to heal. Really heal so that when it's time to rebuild, time for the next surgery I feel like I am really moving forward. I owe it to myself to take all the time I need to finally be able to put this unexpected chapter behind me once and for all. I hope the takeaway from this entry is this....there is no script that tells us how to feel, act or figure out the shit that is so unfairly thrown at us. Each of us has the power to choose how we respond and react to the obstacles and challenges we face. Just because I'm not instantaneously choosing to be great after this does not make me weak. Leaning into this type of resistance, I believe, will ultimately make me stronger than I have ever been. I know my future self will some day thank me for the work I'm putting into healing and figuring this all out. In the words of a powerful, wise and strong leader, Martin Luther King, Jr:
"Only in the darkness can you see the stars."
Keep On Killing It...Much Love-M