Calling All Angels
I've been in a little funk. I"m living in this cancer related surgical bubble that has been incredibly challenging. I'm just about three weeks out from surgery number six, still recovering at home, kind of sulking, with two surgical drains still dangling from my body. Healing is really taking it's own precious time here and all I can do is wait. No matter what I do, I can't really escape my reality. Minutes ago, I woke up, however, to some devastating news that has jolted me out of my self absorbed suffering and catapulted me into reality...sadly. I just received news that one of the first members of our Angel Squad has passed away from cancer.
Let me be clear...."A" did not lose her battle. She fought with everything she had within her. Sometimes, despite everything we are willing to endure, the treatments simply fail us. When I started Angel Squad just a little over a year ago, it was to connect with others who, despite perhaps superb support systems, feel the emotional isolation that a cancer diagnosis often brings. When you really dive into treatments and side effects and the trauma one goes through, the reality is that most non cancer people just can't relate. "A" was the first person who reached out to me on my website and we connected. Both of us young, moms, facing the beast that is cancer with as much grace and dignity as we possibly could. Some of it for self preservation, but also to be a model of strength for the little eyes watching. This squad I'm creating understands heartbreak, sorrow, fear, disappointment, love, patience, beauty, time and hope better than anyone. We are this magical group that holds one another up in prayer, thought, company or action. To be honest, I wish I had done even more for "A"....I have found in my own behavior that when things get to be a lot, which they have been lately, I tend to push people away. Not because I'm not grateful for them, but because I need a minute to breathe or mourn or both. The funny thing is, many times those people don't come back or if they do, it's different. This cancer world is so hard and so confusing. I'm realizing that even when one gets pushed away, true support lies in showing up, maybe in a much more quiet way, to say I love you and you matter to me. "A" has taught me that Angel Squad is not a one and done outreach kind of thing. It is an ongoing force of love, support, friendship and acceptance of where each of us are on this crazy ride.
I don't know why it was her and not me. I don't know why there has to be so much pain and suffering in this world here on earth. I don't know why it's so hard for each of us to find the type of support that we so desperately deserve. I don't know why it's so hard for some people to compassionately and empathically show up for other people expecting nothing in return. I do know that my life is better having had the opportunity to know this Angel. I hope she finds herself in a place now where her body and mind can rest. I know her little girls have the greatest guardian angel who will protect them and guide them through all of the ups and downs in life. Your life did and still does matter, Sweet A...I am better having known you. Fly High My Angel....
Much love always-M
"I would rather be ashes than dust. I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." -Jack London
Oh how she did use her time.....