A day in the life of someone dealing with cancer at whatever stage of the adventure they are in, is a legit rollercoaster ride. Yesterday I had my 3 month oncology visit which by all accounts went well! The funny thing is, I genuinely look forward to seeing my oncologist and nurses because at this point, three and a half years in the making, these people are my friends, hell, they are like family! I love the reunion time! It is so fun and uplifting. Isabel's zest for helping others and making sure my emotional health was in tact following my recent trauma made me feel safe, seen and heard. Celebrating Katie's new home and the news that she will be even more involved with me and my team brought me pure joy. Dr. Jones' stories about life outside the cancer center make me laugh and being that we are about the same age, makes his stories completely relatable. It truly was and always is like catching up with the best of the best. The reality of it, though, was that even though it was all ok, as we dove into the reason I need to be there, you know the cancer part, it was all a little disconcerting once I let everything that we talked about sink in. The facts are the facts. Here's where I'm at: As good as I am doing, I am still high risk for recurrence. While my labs were good, some inconsistencies might dictate that it will be a good idea to add a bone scan in addition to the chest CT to the itinerary in June. My history of post operative complications is something that needs to be taken very seriously. Next week I will find out if it's a go for surgery later this month or if my body needs more time to heal. The meds that I'm on are the reason losing this weird chemo/menopause weight is so very difficult. The added stress that I've been under with all of this new crap will make it, in my doctor's words, right now, "impossible". So....my interpretation is....I'm ok, but still a hot fucking mess. Ugh.
So one might question how I move forward?! Well, immediately following my appointment I did a little shopping, literally ate a piece of cake and I cried in the car on the way home...but a short cry because I chose to let it all out and then jam out to tunes that make me feel bloody, freaking invincible! Here's the thing, I've done the whole "whoa is me" script and while there is a time and a place for it, in this season that I'm living in now, there just isn't space for it. I'm choosing hope. I'm choosing light. I'm choosing me. I'm choosing to believe the best of my life is still waiting for me. I'm choosing to believe that the Louvre in Paris, first row concert tickets and all the love and laughter that one's life can create are all still within my grasp. These obstacles that I'm dealing with now will make all of the experiences I"m ready to accept into my life as that much more beautiful and amazing. This is also a fact. I had someone say to me last week that "I would have thought that you would have been done dealing with everything by now". Ha! ouch....that kind of stung a little because that sentence was one big dose of judgement with a side of ignorance, although maybe not intentionally so. I didn't expect to still be here either. I too, had hoped that my life would look a little different by this point in time. As much as I want to, I simply cannot control everything that has and continues to be thrown at me. I can choose, however, to keep fighting. I can choose to take out my frustrations, sadness and anger in a smash room. I can celebrate the miracle of my hair finally being longer than my pre cancer state and I can seek out moments to connect with my loved ones in a way that puts a smile on my face and in my heart. I choose ME, I choose to embrace this moment that I'm in and I choose hope.
I'm leaving you today with a page from a book that my inspiring Reiki Master, Cathy (who I also call family cuz we are legit family!! lol ) recommended to me. The book is called The Happy Empath's Little Book of Affirmations by Stephanie Jameson. You just open the book to whatever page and that message is what is meant for you in the moment. I love it....feels like magic. Yesterday as I nervously waited for my appointment, this was my message. It read:
"The journey isn't always about love and light. It's okay to lose my shit.
The awakening path to self mastery is far from easy. This is the path of warriors, and there will be times when you wonder how much more you can take.
You do not have to hold it all together, all of the time. You are human. Take a deep breath, feel what needs to be felt and when you are ready, make the conscious decision to shift that energy.
You will know what to do when the time comes.
Remember, the most chaos usually occurs right before you align with that which is meant for you."
Go ahead, lose your shit, reclaim it and live the hell out of these days, moments that are given to you. Choose you, choose hope.-M