Hello all of my Angels...It's been a time, hasn't it? As I reflect back on this past week I realize the vast array of emotions I have felt are enough to last a lifetime, and it was just a meager 7 days. Ugh. So many twists and turns and yet I find myself here. A Sunday morning, sipping my hot water with lemon listening to Leon Bridges on Spotify and I feel at peace. To be honest, in this moment, I feel inspired. One of the lyrics he just sang was "What can I do to get back to your heart?". What I'm hearing, though, is what can I do to get back to MY heart. I've spent countless hours in the past month worrying about everyone and everything. I've indulged in some emotional eating, emotional online shopping (yes, that's a thing) and kind of feeling like I've been going out of my mind a little! It's not like all the time, but enough time that it feels a little, well, icky. If my cancer journey has taught me anything, it's that so much is not in our control. I' surrendered to that a while ago, even though I really detest it. Knowing this, I have also risen to the challenge of what can I do about it? My cancer journey has taught me that I'm a doer. I believe in finding the good from the bad and turning a bad situation into, not necessarily a pleasant one, but a useful one.Undesirable situations yield the opportunity and challenge for immense personal growth and reflection. Game on! Let's do this! There really are gifts to be found amidst so much hardship. We've all been hearing repeatedly that staying at home during this pandemic means more time with family, slowing down, valuing things we probably had taken for granted...these are all true and I believe them to be true. But I'm talking about and proposing looking inwardly...at yourself! We all spend so much time, necessarily so, being there for others. I'm not saying this is a bad thing! It's what makes us the loving mothers, friends, etc., that we are. BUT, I do think if there is ever a time to prioritize some time for YOU, this is it. It's time to take stock of what makes you, well, you. Shed the stuff that no longer applies and maybe take some time to investigate what really sets that beautiful soul of yours on fire. As Leon puts it...and I interpret it...what can you do to get back to your own heart?
For me, it's not sewing a face mask or quilting something spectacular. I wish I had that skill, but I just don't and while I can completely appreciate that beauty, I have no desire to learn. I feel like I should be the mom who makes cookies from scratch and jumps on the bread baking bandwagon that is all the rave on social media right now. Again, not me. Thank you Pillsbury for the pre maid cookie dough that I can pop in the oven. Delish. Furthermore, I now know how much I love a Grey Goose Martini. It's smooth...I love it. I can't make it, however. It's just not the same. I have friends who can perfect it, but I just don't want to. I'd rather enjoy the fruits of their labor or leave it to the professionals. A positive sign of these times we find ourselves living in, is that some of my favorite restaurants offer their bar spirits for carryout! Score! I enjoyed every sip of my Grey Goose Martini last night from the oversized styrofoam cup it came in. Guilty. Pleasure...no shame. Here's what I do know. I love writing. I love reading. I love a clean slate. I love deep conversations. I love challenging my body. I know I've sucked at that lately, so I'm dedicating the next countless days in quarantine to moving and challenging my body in a way that yields better, stronger results.I thrive off having a goal and working towards it. I want to learn to play the guitar. Playlists fuel me...like really get me going. The list goes on. Notice, I've made these things about ME. I certainly have areas of my life to work on that include other people. I think we all do. I do know, however, that until you take care of your heart and show up for you, the other areas will never be 100%. I posted a picture on National Sibling Day that was me and my older sis/younger bro. It was such a cute picture and made me me smile. I think I was in second grade when the picture was taken. It reminded me of a post I wrote a while back called "Brown Eyed Girl" (one of my favorites). I always remembered as a little girl, wondering what I would be like as an adult. What would I look like, be like....A year ago I cried thinking about that. I felt disappointed. Like I let her down. As if I had any control over having cancer, but still I felt defeated and it was like I wanted to apologize to her. I had a different reaction this go around. While looking at my little girl smile, I felt some peace and pure happiness.
My heart and my spirit are much more alive than even a year ago! I still face adversity, fear and pain, but I'm living much truer to my heart and even in the areas I'm not quite there...I can see the light. I guess you could say I've been a little selfish in the past year, but I honestly don't see it that way. I'm a better mom, friend and human simply because I make the effort to show up for myself. I challenge you and encourage you to do the same. Honor what fuels you and bid adieu to what doesn't. No Shame. Today I'm leaving you with a Celtic Evening Prayer I saw last night that just resonates with me so much.
"I will not die an unlived life, I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise..." Happy Sunday, happy new week, happy soul searching, happy wishes to you all. Much Love-XO-M