"I don't want to collect things. I want to collect friends and meaningful conversations. I want to collect sunsets and wildflowers. I want to collect belly laughs, baby kisses, bear hugs. I want to store memories and moments of joy. I want to hold time in my hand just a little longer before it flies away." -Robin Efaw Ralston
It's a cold, blustery, blizzard kind of night here as I steal a few moments to collect my thoughts and check in with you all. I've always been in love with snow. When I was little I would declare to all who would listen that "there are diamonds in the snow" when it was the magical kind that sparkled as it hit the ground. Yes, there is probably a scientific explanation for that, but for me, it's just pure magic. Right, Mom? You go to bed with everything looking so brown and wake up to the world being white. Stunning. Now, as a grown up, I do get to a point where I'm completely over it! haha! But just for today (and perhaps tomorrow, too), I'm embracing it and enjoying all that a snowy day brings. Today was to be my monthly oncology day. I was scheduled for labs, a checkup with my oncologist and my 3 monthly infusions. There was honestly no way I was going to be able to make it 90 miles north in a blizzard, so next week I will make the trip to get all checked out. Believe it or not, it's only the second time in six years I've had to make a change to my oncology schedule!! Not too shabby. Since I haven't updated you all since right before my scan day in December, I am happy to report that I had a really good outcome! No active cancer was detected in my body! That was scan #8 in just the two years since my recurrence. Two years of daily oral chemo, monthly infusions, stupid side effects and so many emotions to not only experience, but to also try and make sense of. I'm so proud of myself for enduring everything I have not only these past two years, but the whole six years since my initial diagnosis. To put it mildly, it's been a lot....
Right before Christmas, I celebrated the Winter Solstice in the most amazing way! I attended a yoga class that dove into the true meaning of the solstice. Very simply put, the light, the dark, the letting go and starting anew. I made an intention for myself that I'm hesitantly sharing with you all tonight. Hesitantly because I might sound a little wacky and honestly I don't need ya'll coming after me if I slip up...haha! I decided it is my time to try as hard as humanly possible, to let go of feeling so stuck in the sick, cancer person role. I will likely be on medications for more years than I can even fathom at this moment. I will continue to endure scans, check blood levels and have necessary surgeries, this is all true. I can't really escape that. I constantly have to reframe this reality as a gift, not a curse. Close eyes on me are better than no eyes on me. However, I want to move forward into feeling less broken, more whole. Less stuck, more free. Less controlled by cancer and more in control of how I move forward through my life. I somehow managed this same kind of vibe about 3-4 years ago, but then the bottom fell out from under me when a tumor in my spine entered the chat. It's taken a lot of time (two years to be exact) to get to this place where I think, maybe, I can in fact navigate this. Maybe. My truth is that if I really want to LIVE, then I really have to release what isn't meant for me to carry. I don't think I'm meant to be in fight or flight mode every second of every day. It's a ruthless type of anxiety that can wake me out of dead sleep and I don't even know why or what is stealing my peace. It's just...well, the history of my circumstance I guess. I know in my core that I'm not meant to carry all of that all of the time. I'm choosing to move forward not only to improve the quality of my life, but to honor the lives of my dear friends who have taught me how precious this one life is. These friends who are now my angels, remind me of what a life well lived looks like. It's not waiting for the next shoe to fall, it's embracing the shoes I'm in now. Easy to say, tough to do, but like the beautiful white coat of snow I see outside my window tonight... just magic.
In closing, I'm dedicating this post today to a friend of mine who has been taken from us far too soon. Another lover of snow, beautiful soul and cancer warrior. "C" was the only other young woman I knew who was battling cancer when I was initially diagnosed less than a year after she was. She was a mother, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, friend....and one of a kind. Cancer gave us common ground, but life brought us closer and I will forever cherish the conversations that she and I had. The kind of thoughts and fears that only we understood and shared at the time. The texts, the tears, the fun and the laughs mean so much because we both understood how high the highs are and how low the lows get, but. most importantly how precious all of it is. Like the first quote of this entry states, we both "store memories and moments of joy... hold time in our hands just a little longer before it flies away". Fly high sweet friend. You have changed my life for the better and I will never, ever forget you. Vegas Pool Parties and Parisian Breakfasts forever.🤍
"The years trick on by and I am realizing that the really beautiful hearts have dents in them. That the most beautiful things in life have been fractured or cracked a few times. That the clothes that carry the most memories are those with rips, fades, holes, or have been passed down. That there is grace in every wrinkle caused by grief, loss or heartfelt joy. That aging is a deepening of your roots to earth. And scars are birthmarks of the hero you bring to life in yourself every time you get through a hard moment."-S.C. Lourie
May peace, love, magic and snow angels be with you all now and always. Much love-M 👼
Tin Roof
by: Blessings Offor