I feel as if I've lived a thousand lives since my last post, which was only written in August. I've contemplated what to write over the past few months several times over. I've had experiences and thoughts that I know were share worthy, yet for some reason, I just kept them close to myself. I've been working really hard at being present in every given moment and being calm in the chaos that has been my life. I've cried, I've laughed, I've been triggered, I've celebrated and I've been focusing on moving one step forward each day since hearing the words "You have cancer" for now the 3rd time in my life. 💔
📸 cred: Jami Bix- who lit a candle and made a prayer request for me at Westminster Abbey in London. Forever looking out for each other since childhood! 🩷
Looking back at what's been going on over the last three months, I'm amazed at how truly ok I've been! The same day my children started a new school year in 4th, 8th and 11th grades, I was at my oncology visit learning that cancer had popped up in my life again, this time in my pelvis (a posterior iliac bone lesion), as well as a little bit in my L2 and T7 vertebrae. In some ways I was shocked by this because I wasn't really in any pain....thank you angels for keeping me accountable in showing up for my rigorous scan schedule despite my wanting to quit so many times over. This saved my life. Cancer caught early is a gift. That is the mentality that I consciously carried with me through 8 high dose radiation treatments, a new oral chemo regimen and some new monthly infusions. On the other hand, somewhere deep down I feel like I should have known that this would be my fate. Walking around as a woman with Metastatic Breast Cancer is in some ways feeling like you're a ticking time bomb. "Recurrence" is a word we MBC survivors/thrivers are all too familiar with. The goal is obviously to live cancer free for as long as possible, but often the statistics are very much not on our side. Even though I'm very much a statistic in every sense of the word, I'm trying really hard to be on the side of a NED (No evidence of Disease) statistic, rather than the other side of this brutal disease. It's challenging, however, to stay in the light, when the darkness tries really hard to pull you in. I'm human, so I have had some pretty hard moments crying in the shower or in my car. Maybe, perhaps, there was even one big sob fest in front of the kids (unintentional, but I think it's really ok for them to see that side of me!), but overall I'm honestly quite shocked by the strength that I seem to be navigating this new chapter with! It's like watching myself in a movie and my response to myself is "Holy Shit! You're seriously handling this so much better than the last two times!!" Kind of funny, Kind of sad, but I'm discovering something within me that knows how to navigate these rough waters with yes, some fear, but with more determination and ability than I've ever experienced thus far. I'm surpising myself with a specific type of skill set that is keeping me from falling down into that damn black hole of despair. Treatment is exhausting, but I have found within me the drive that equates to being on that radiation table and feeling tremendous gratitude that this treatment was still an option for me. The weird noises of the machine still wake me up at night (hello trauma response), but the cancer was so minimal, that I stand a chance of eliminating it! Hello, Deep gratitude. When the chemo made me sick and I was throwing up as the kids were getting ready for school, I acknowledged that my new chemo is doing it's job, killing cancer cells and eliminating new pathways for cells to grow. Maybe, I just need to make sure to take it with food versus an empty stomach (totally worked!). Hello, experience. I HATE that this is happening to me....I HATE that I had to tell the kids again that my cancer was back....I HATE everything about cancer.....but, I'm so, so much stronger, smarter, more resilient and more capable of moving forward and not letting this complete bullshit ruin me or control me. Hello, I'm human, but damn straight I have superpowers (wink).
I'm chasing my next clear scan with a lot of understanding and knowledge of what I'm up against, so much love in my heart to make my children proud and more hope for longevity than you could possibly imagine. Even on my bad days, I know I'm one positive thought away from owning this damn story of mine. When I was first diagnosed with cancer in 2017, then again in 2021, I remember feeling really lonely, sad and also hurt by some of the people I thought would show up for me and didn't. It's a weird thing to describe and even admit, but I felt in a way like my existence on this earth didn't matter to them. This time around, my attitude couldn't be more different. I don't know why I spent one tiny moment of thought on the people who haven't shown up for me because the people who HAVE and do, are made of pure gold. I guess that's the kind of life lesson and perspective that comes from profound experience, huh. Grateful! To those of you who did not know about this latest debacle and I have no doubt would have reached out...I hope you know I didn't keep it from you on purpose! I just didn't have it in me until now to make such a grand proclamation of my situation. There's oddly a little bit of humiliation that I've been feeling for this happening to me yet again. I don't completely understand it, but it's an emotion and it's real. It has just taken me a little bit of time to accept where I'm at and where I'm going...I really do love you.
To my dear friends and family who did know and have shown up....a profound THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart! The calls, texts, cards, gifts, meals, help with the kids, prayers, companionship at treatment and even the weekend getaway....every single moment has lifted me up and made me extremely grateful for each and every single one of you, but also for this time on earth and well, my life. Thank you for helping me to fly. Your wings, my wings....our wings. 👼
"After tragedies, one has to invent a new world, knit it or embroider, make it up. It's not gonna be given to you because you deserve it; it doesn't work that way. You have to imagine something that doesn't exist and dig a cave into the future and demand space. It's a territorial hope affair. At the time, that digging is utopian, but in the future, it will become your reality."-Björk (and shared with me by my beautiful survivor sister, June 🩷)
Keep On Killing it my Angels. Thank you for helping me through yet another obstacle that just might turn into something pretty amazing. Here's hoping....Much love-M
Today's track is brand new from my British Boyfriend, who I know I will see in person in 2025 (Cheers to Manifesting😉).
Hope by James Bay
Breast Cancer Awareness Continues even though October is a thing of the past. Please consider donating to these amazing and reputable organizations who DIRECTLY impact the lives of survivors and their families.
Metavivor
Living Beyond Breast Cancer
Pink Aid
National Breast Cancer Foundation
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