I feel I need to start this entry off by apologizing for ghosting you all. It's been five months since my last post...five?!! My intent was never to leave this vessel of mine unattended, but to be honest I was a little stuck and confused about what to even write about. As a cancer survivor and just as a human being, I think when you find yourself stuck in between feeling fine and not at all fine, your emotions are literally a day by day experience. In February/March, after like eight clear scans, I was stopped dead in my tracks with a "suspicious" bone scan. That led to a PET scan (the first one in almost six years) and ultimately then the all clear. THANK GOODNESS!!! I was obviously overjoyed at squeaking by with the all clear, but a little dizzy by what almost transpired. I was faced with some pretty intimidating demons and yet I managed to just keep going almost as though my mortality wasn't in question yet again. I've had many people tell me over the past several years, with the best of intentions mind you, that the key to my survival and ability to thrive in survivorship is to find a way to not continuously be in fight or flight mode. I bought it...hook, line and sinker. It's so easy to believe that this is the right thing to do when the storm is presumably behind you. But what if the storm never really goes away? It clears, for like a second, but then the waves start crashing and the the winds all but take you out yet again. How in the actual fuck am I not supposed to exist here in fight or flight mode when I honestly cannot escape the reality of my circumstance? I tried. The past five months I dove into parenthood and all that entails. I attended every game, planned every party, made every meal (ok, planned every meal is more accurate, haha), was the most prompt taxi driver and I centered my life around what I consider to be my most important role. I'm not at all complaining, in fact, I was so happy to do it! I also worked my buns off helping so many families access services and coach them on how to improve the communication skills of their most precious babies. This is also, my professional privilege. I tried to be the best for everyone because I often feel like my life takes the backseat to my health which is always front and center. It's so hard to explain to people who aren't on this crazy rollercoaster ride what this feels like. Let me just put it this way..."I marvel at people just living their normal lives while I fight so hard to keep mine." -Katie Newbaum. This is where I've been....I'm envious, desperate to also be "normal", wishing I could relinquish the role of cancer chick, ready to finally achieve the goals I have set for myself which have nothing to do with cancer and I've been growing a bit resentful that others seem to be able to live with the peace and ease than I can't seem to grasp despite my showing up with more grit and determination than one can possibly fathom. As steadfast as I was wishing for something that I thought maybe I could achieve...reality had a way of reminding me that I am not in fact "normal".....I am a fucking unicorn...who happens to only exist in the fight and flight.
July was set to be my 3 month routine scans. My oncologist ordered that rather than doing the usual chest, abdomen CT and Bone scan,, we go straight to the PET scan because what likely showed up on the last bone scan as suspicious, would probably still be there as bone inflammation, arthritis, whatever. Two days before scan day, my team called to inform me that my insurance would not cover the PET scan because their protocol is that the CT/Bone scan should happen first. Their protocol. Them. The people that should be following my almost SEVEN year battle and see that the PET is in fact necessary. Nah, they wanted to follow THEIR plan. My team contested, but nevertheless, the shitty, fraudulent industry of health insurance won and off I went for a CT and bone scan. SHOCKER.....my CT was clear, organs looking great, but the bone scan showed suspicious spots on my spine and pelvis. The orders were placed to schedule me for a PET scan, you know, what we wanted to do in the first place. So...I needed to wait for insurance to approve it. I don't ever feel I have the luxury of putting my life on hold for anything, especially for the complete sham that is medical insurance. Off I went on vacation for some adventures. The East Coast did not disappoint, but my wandering mind did. I've been feeling honestly pretty great, so I have had no reason to suspect that my cancer has returned. Regardless, knowing something is hanging over your head like that, it was hard to not let my thoughts wander. I kept a brave face and when I showed up for my PET scan two days after my return home, I was feeling pretty confident that everything would be ok. I was not at all prepared to hear that there was some "uptick" on two spots. One on my spine and one on my pelvis. This HAS to be a mistake or at least there must be good reason for what is going on...something other than cancer. I was surprised at how calm I was hearing the news that even more testing needs to be done. The only tears I shed that day, happened when I asked what I should be telling my kids about all of this. Sigh. I was strong and steady even when I was told there is a 70% likelihood given my history that this is cancer. What I heard, is that there is a 30% chance that I am just fine.
Two days ago, I had a biopsy of the spot on my pelvis. Up to that point, I didn't cry. In fact, I've been working, parenting and doing all the things without really telling anyone what I'm facing. I'm so damn tired of this taking over my life that I refuse to let it. The procedure went fine. I had a biopsy of my vertebrae two and a half years ago. This procedure is ultimately the same. The only thing that haunts me, is the sound of the drill digging into my bone. It didn't make me cry, but it absolutely made me sad. And mad. I just asked my angels to surround me....and I kept asking God why this has to be my life.
I will find out the results of my biopsy at the end of this week. Five more days to go. I am optimistic that I am ok! But I also don't want to set myself up for being shocked if that isn't the case. Maybe I'm cautiously optimistic? Once again I'm annoyed that I have to process all of this and wrestle the demons as they show up when others can just focus on their kids going back to school this week. It seems unfair to me...also cruel. I am mad, scared, sad but also ok. I have more questions than anything. I also know with every ounce of my being that I will survive and overcome whatever is thrown at me. I've come way too far and despite wanting to quit my appointments so many times over, I've shown up even when I didn't want to, so that if this is cancer, it is likely in the early stages. That is a blessing.
If you have any to spare, I'd take a few prayers, thoughts, intentions, whatever. I'm reminded of what a lonely place this cancer world can be. If I've learned anything from my absence to this blog, which was really an absence of taking care of me, it's that I shouldn't feel like I have to have it all together to share where I've been, where I'm at or even where I might be going. Part of living is the peaks and valleys of emotions and experiences that may or may not make any sense in the moment. I don't have to have it all together to authentically share this journey that is my life. Perfection does not exist here. Empathy, truth, HOPE....that exists by just being brave enough to show up.
Keep on Killing It....Much Love-M
"Strong Women aren't born, they're forged in the fires they've had to walk though. They're warriors with hearts of Gold." -Silver Ravenwolf
Where I'm Going...
Katy Perry
Wide Awake
👼
Comentarios