Griefscape

"Griefscape is the space between the life you had and the life you didn't ask for. Where muscle memory still reaches for what's gone, where echoes of normalcy taunt you with what used to be. A griefscape isn't an end. It's a reckoning. It's waking up and remembering, over and over, that what was familiar is no longer yours to hold. It's standing in the wreckage of what you built, what you loved, what you thought would always be there, and realizing that the only way out is through. Grief isn't just sadness-it's love with nowhere to go. It's the weight of absence pressing against your ribs, the sudden collapse of a moment that should have been ordinary. In the griefscape, you don't just miss people or things-you miss versions of yourself that existed only in their presence. You miss the feeling of safety, the illusion of permanence. You miss the way things made sense before they didn't. And yet, even here, life insists on continuing. Schools thankfully find new walls, routines rebuild themselves in fragments, laughter returns in moments that feel both impossible and inevitable. But nothing quite fits the same. You piece together a new version of your world, but the seams are visible. And from this place, something new will take shape. Not as a replacement, not as a resolution. But as a quiet, steady reminder that what's gone will always be a part of what remains." -Dr. Zelana

It's been a little while since I've jumped on here, mostly because life has been....a lot. The kids are happy and doing all of their things, the seasons keep changing and with that brings new schedules and activities. While everything is going at warp speed, I've been literally hanging on by a thread. New med changes early this winter brought on side effects that have been less than desirable, as side effects often are. One day I feel good, the next time I'm down on out with the worst stomach flu possible, but it's not the flu. It's the meds. And it keeps happening week after week. Yuck. Add to that a new fun side effect called Hand and Foot Syndrome which means my hands and feet turn red and feel like I'm walking on or picking up glass. Despite more meds to treat the side effects from the original meds, I'm in pain, sick and honestly exhausted. Who knew survival and the goal of actually thriving would be so fucking difficult. I read the passage I shared with you called "Griefscape" and it really resonated with me. I try not to think about myself as a sick person, but when I feel so sick, it feels like the cancer is winning and I'm, well, losing. Deep in my heart, I do feel like the meds are working and killing what's left of the cancer in my body. I just think my body is struggling to keep up with the toxicity of the medications. I'm definitely the Little Engine that Could...but to be honest, this engine just needs a nice long break. Last night when my sister called to check on me, I just started crying. I told her that I can't do this anymore. I'm tired. I'm sad and I just want my life back. When I reread "Griefscape" this morning, I am reminded that the only way out is through and I'm not here to get my life back, my goal is for a new life to take shape with remnants of my old life that will thankfully always remain. It seems like it should be so easy...but it also seems so hard to achieve right now. My spirit isn't broken, just a little bruised and tattered. My hope is that I can find a way to navigate this griefscape of mine and come out the other side to a world where thriving once again seems possible.

Despite feeling so lousy these last few months, I did and always do try to find the joy in my life that keeps my fighting spirit in tact. Whether it was going to the boys' hockey games, spending time with my parents as my mom continues her courageous fight with Alzheimer's or watching my beautiful daughter go to her first prom, I'm so incredibly grateful for these little moments that remind me of why I'm fighting so hard to be here. As much as I want to give up sometimes, they all deserve the best of me. I'm so hopeful with the very recent changes in some of my meds, I can start feeling like I'm living again and not just surviving all of this. I have goals and plans for my life that need some tending to, not just this stupid cycle of pain, agony and exhaustion. I'm really trying to not sound like such a victim of all of this, but I promised to be honest and transparent as I write and well, this is just where I'm at right now. I'm hoping by the next entry, I have a healthier body, mind and spirit (and a clear scan 🤞🏻). Hell, I'm manifesting it so, IT WILL HAPPEN!! It's about time that something new, something beautiful takes shape.

Thank you for continuing to be on this journey with me. Even when it feels really lonely on this path, I know that NO ONE FIGHTS ALONE! For that, I am eternally grateful. Until next time...Keep on Killing It my friends.

-M👼

Thank you, Mom for showing me how to love and how to keep on going...

I always seem to cry at these moments in their lives...gratitude for simply being here has a way of filling my ❤️! I'm so proud to be their Mom!

I shared the song entitled "Hope" on my last blog. Here it is LIVE! Even though I was sick going to this concert, I wasn't going to miss it. James sings to my soul and I loved sharing his music with my daughter.

Always hang on to that rope....and have a little hope. 💜 I love you Isabella.

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