Not the End, It's Only the Beginning

"When you look back, you'll see it clearly; You survived things that would have broken a softer version of you. You got up when you didn't know how. You found a way forward when the path wasn't clear. You kept going, even when it hurt. So trust yourself now. Trust the woman who has carried heartbreak, betrayal, loss and still kept her heart open. Trust the strength you've proven to yourself over and over again. Because if you've already survived what tried to kill you-imagine what you're capable of creating next." -Divine Female Empire

There have been many times in the last two months where I literally have wanted to hide under a rock. I wanted to escape the reality of my circumstances and just melt away into oblivion...and then I woke up. Like the quote just said, I got up even though I didn't know how and chose to move forward in whatever way that I could. I knew being stagnant wasn't an option. Let's dive in.

September was a complete whirlwind. In a matter of just days, I had surgery to have a new chemo port put in my chest and then began a new chemo regimen. Every three weeks, I make the drive to Sioux Falls (90 minutes away) to have my labs checked, see my oncology team and receive a chemo infusion. I was pretty nervous for the first one even though I think what I exhibited was cool, calm and collected on the outside. Heck, that very same day of my first infusion, I drove to my son's varsity football game that night. I remember my chest feeling so sore from the surgery and my mind and body just feeling like I was floating. It felt like a fever dream. I handled the first wave of side effects like a pro. By the second week I truly felt great.! Like, I felt totally normal! Not like I was a "cancer fighter". Just a few days before my second infusion, however, my hair started shedding. I was told that some people just shed some hair on this drug, some lose it, but I stood a good chance of probably keeping it! I was clinging onto that hope that I would be one of the lucky ones that would keep their hair. When it started shedding at first, it was just strands of hair. Strands turned into clumps. It was ok, I thought...I have "tools" (meaning various extensions, wigs and well, experience), so I've got this! I remember feeling like the character from the Peanuts Comic, Pig Pen, although instead of dirt and grossness following him around it was strands of my hair following me. I went to my second infusion worrying that I would leave a trail of hair wherever I went. I was hopeful that if that was the worst of it, I'd figure out a way to deal and life would just go on. In the days that followed infusion number 2, it was obvious that keeping my hair just wasn't going to happen. Those of you familiar with cold capping are probably wondering why I didn't just do that?! I was also told that this wasn't an effective treatment while on this drug to preserve hair, so once again, I get the chemo that takes away my armor little by little. Losing my hair for a second time was rough. It brought up some PTSD and definitely a lot of feelings around the trauma of what it was like the first time around. It was hard feeling those emotions again and acknowledging just how consistently challenging fighting cancer for so long is. It takes it's toll on me. I've been living in fight or flight mode for almost eight years....that makes me tired, sad and angry. I guess also grateful because I'm still in the fight, but boy do I crave a little more ease than what has been my reality for so long now. Anyway, back to the point I wanted to make! I quickly outgrew the ability to mask what I was going through with using my extensions, It was wig time. The very same week I dusted off "Journey", my kick ass cancer wig from forever ago, I also had planned to talk to the Heelan Crusader Football Team about Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I was so looking forward to this opportunity to try to make a positive change in the "let's all wear pink and be merry because that's what every sports team known to man does in October" vibe. My message was all about my experience, what the pink ribbon means to me and changing Breast Cancer Awareness Month to Breast Cancer Action Month. Speaking to these young men was an important step in my advocacy efforts that I've been focusing on over the last five years. Of course, my hair would decide to completely fall out the very week I was scheduled to talk to a group of high school boys. Sigh. The night before my scheduled chat, I gave my husband the helmet decals I was going to give the team and told him to just talk with them for me. I felt completely broken and embarrassed and that damn rock was calling my name to hide under. It's really easy for negative self talk to take over when you feel stripped of your beauty and dignity. I had convinced myself that I lost some of myself and my power when my hair fell out, For me, the hair I held in my hands represented the brokenness that I felt for being sick and not feeling like the thriver that I try so hard to be. These are all just words and emotions and in the middle of a sleepless night the night before my scheduled appearance, a light went on inside me. Cancer cannot steal anything from me unless I let it. I try to teach my children that it's how you stand up to adversity that matters. Showing up when you really don't want to shows such strength and conviction. What would I be conveying with my actions if I stayed under that fucking rock rather than showing up for something that is ultimately important to me?! That thought, that light, that spark was all that it took for me to realize that my mission, my purpose, my character, my legacy and my message are all more important that what my damn hair looks like or lack thereof. That next day I put on my old wig, realized the color is entirely wrong (it's been six years since I last wore it!), I showed up for myself, my family and a team that embraced my message and did not seem to care (or notice) that my hair was a thing. I learned a lot about myself and I was reminded that I am not broken. Quite the opposite. I also learned that I'm different this time around. While I do still want to look like "me" and not have cancer chick written on my forehead, I also don't care quite as much as I used to. I have ventured out to the store now several times with just my stocking hat which is something I NEVER would have done the first time around. I might even keep everyone guessing with short hair one day and long the next once it starts growing back. I don't feel the need to impress anyone or really even explain myself anymore. I am one thousand times enough however I choose to show up. The point is that I continue to show up. Boom.

Next week I'm hoping to receive my 4th infusion of this chemo drug that I'm currently taking. I also will be having a PET scan to see if it is in fact working. My liver enzymes have been a little wacky, which can happen on this drug, but to be certain it isn't anything else going on, we moved my scan up by about 3 weeks. I will take any and all prayers that this scan goes well. I really need a win. I'm extremely hopeful, but also a little scared. Even though I am dancing with fear (constantly), I will continue to show up because I believe in my ability to find myself in a healthier place, hopefully soon.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month was a lot. It always is. I'm proud of the small impact I might have had on building awareness and potentially action based on my efforts. In addition to the chat I had with the Crusaders, I was also given the opportunity to share my "why" with the world thanks to the incredible organization Living Beyond Breast Cancer. I chose to honor my mom and everything she has done for me and taught me which has helped me to endure this life as a breast cancer survivor. My mom is truly the most phenomenal woman and I am incredibly grateful to be her daughter and to have been able to honor her in this way. With that said, I also want to take a minute to highlight my immense gratitude for my dad. Papa Murph has been with me every single step of the way. Long ago, I made the decision for my husband to be there for the kids on the days that I'm away for appointments, scans and treatment. Dad has always been right there with me through the highs and lows which is a tough job. It breaks my heart that my father has had to watch me crumble out of grief and fear, but I've also cherished the moments where we've laughed and celebrated in triumph! Bonding over this trauma has only brought us closer and he continues to be my protector even in my adult life. Right after my meltdown and chat with the football team, Dad and I were at a conference in Omaha, the home to my kick ass wig store. Dad even endured my latest wig appointment and helped me to find my new gal, who I haven't yet named, but feel more like myself when wearing. Dad supports me like only he can. I love you, Dad, with every ounce of my being. I'm proud to be your daughter and very grateful for the determined spirit you instilled in me from a very young age. Thank you, too, for my life. 💜

In closing, this journey is so complicated. I'm overwhelmed by it often, but grateful for the lessons and experiences I'm having that are ultimately shaping me into the woman I'm destined to become. This diagnosis, this treatment, this past month of awareness and *action* is nowhere near the end...it's only the beginning. Let's keep healing, fighting, learning and growing together. Thank you for sticking by me...my wings, your wings, our wings.

Much love-M 👼

"Healing isn't linear. Healing is such a lonely and intimate process. It doesn't always feel like peace. Sometimes it feels like rage or grief. Like facing the parts of yourself you are forced to bury to make others comfortable. Cancer taught me that healing asks for honesty, vulnerability, not perfection. It requires spending quality time with your wounds. I learned how to be loyal to myself first. I understood it's not selfish. It's sacred. I know no matter how difficult it gets, I keep coming back to myself, even when it's hard. I'm worth it." -@_rememberme_

Alive and Kicking

by Simple Minds

https://youtu.be/ljIQo1OHkTI?si=3cukHIrUqwgL2T4H