The Pink Paradox

"One thing I've learned is that life is a paradox. In order to heal you must hurt, in order to love you must break open and in order to have peace you must face chaos. Never regret any experience in your life, because it is always meant to bring you balance. The light always follows." -Moonomens

Hey friends! It's been way too long since I've written because I was just busy living. The kids have been SO, so busy with all the things that I got caught up in being really present for them. It felt good to put them front and center for awhile because my health started to improve over the summer. I guess where we left off per my last post, I spent about four months over the winter/spring months really struggling with the balance of my daily oral chemo and finding the right dose that would allow me to not feel so sick all the time. As it turned out, the level of chemo I was taking was toxic in my body. I was quite literally living in side effect hell. I was sick days on end, my feet and hands were in so much pain that I had to have my ten year old open the toothpaste tube for me and I just felt awful, plain and simple. I thought I was being the good soldier by enduring it all, but what I learned quickly was that quality of life is just as important as fighting for you life. My oncology team jumped into action and by the end of May, I felt better than I had in months. I had my energy back, I was eating, healing and ready to do all the things I couldn't do months prior. As a family, we jumped into baseball/softball season. I also chaperoned my middle son's class to Washington DC, there were college visits for my daughter, a trip East to NJ/NYC/Jersey Shore, the start of football/tennis seasons and an unforgettable trip to Chicago with my beautiful daughter to kick off her senior year. Things were chaotic, but GREAT. Almost too great....as the "Pink Paradox" of breast cancer goes, I was living this high only to be stopped dead in my tracks by this damn thing called cancer just days ago. More cancer, new treatment, same fears and left again searching for the light in the sea of darkness that can be cancer survivorship.

I had my three month PET Scan on Wednesday and things didn't go as well as I had hoped. The crazy thing is that I'm generally feeling pretty good, minus some minor back aches here and there, but nothing too significant. Well....the scan showed increased tumor activity in my spine and hip. The good news is that there are treatment options and my organs look good. The bad news is I get to have another chemo port surgically put in next week. This brings me to the next thing I'm not so excited about, I.V. chemo. Starting next week (on Friday!), I will be getting a two hour infusion that will happen every 3 weeks. I will be literally Killing it Friday, once again. I'm trying really hard to not think of this as moving backwards, but rather moving forward with an aggressive way to get this shit under control. I know I can do this, I know it. I know this new drug can work. I feel it! I hate that this is my circumstance, but I know I embody everything that I need to get through this in order to experience some success. In a few months I will be at EIGHT years since my initial diagnosis. I've endured so many hardships that I'm amazed by my own abilities! I don't mean for that to sound arrogant in any way, but I never would have thought that I could have handled what has been thrown at me over the years. This situation is no different. It's scary, I"m sad, I'm dreading it....but I know deep in my heart that I can do it.

"If you only carry one thing throughout your entire life, let it be hope. Let it be hope that better things are always ahead. Let it be hope that you can get through even the toughest of times. Let it be hope that you are stronger than any challenge that comes your way. Let it be hope that you are exactly where you are meant to be right now, and that you are on the right path to where you are meant to be....because during these times, hope will be the very thing that carries you through." -Nikki Warne

Thank you for continuing to show up and navigate this life with me. I may be down...again..but I'm not out. I am rising and ready to tackle what is ahead, whatever that may be. I don't ask for help very often (kind of a flaw of mine), but today I do have an ask. If you're willing, I will take any prayers you have to send up that hopefully find me reporting some good news in the weeks/months to come. This journey can feel very lonely at times and I think right now is one of those times. I'm searching for the light and embracing my scars. "She is resilient", she is me. Your wings, my wings, our wings. Ready to dive into "Killing It Friday". Lots of love-M 🪽👼

Stubborn Love

by the Lumineers

https://youtu.be/UJWk_KNbDHo?si=NIGaYP7cCeXoBGXH