In The Thick of It

"Nobody talks about how exhausting it is to live in that space between 'things will get better' and 'I can't handle this anymore'. It's a quiet, relentless tug of war where your emotions keep swinging without ever settling. One moment you're holding onto hope, convincing yourself to stay strong just a little longer, and the next you're completely drained, wondering how much more you can carry. It's waking up with belief and going to bed defeated, existing in between healing and hurting, trying to survive the same day that both breaks you and keeps you going. The most terrifying part is realizing you don't know which side of yourself will win tomorrow." -mini_khini_

I felt this overwhelming need to put my thoughts into words today honestly due to so many reasons. It's definitely the cancer tug of war that I just shared that is so, so constant, but also my oldest graduating high school shortly and all the "things" that surround that. Scanxiety is hitting me pretty hard (another PET scan already next week), and add to that the cosmic mojo that apparently has me, a Scorpio, entering a shift that TOMORROW has me ending a SEVEN YEAR cycle of pain (my words) and entering into something new. As it goes, Uranus leaves Taurus and enters Gemini in a matter of hours. The pressure that has been existent since 2018 will lift. What is crazy about this, is that I was initially diagnosed with breast cancer at the very end of 2017, so it feels like this was oddly meant for me. They say that what has been unstable will settle. What has been disrupted begins to clarify. What felt like it was falling apart, was actually falling into place. Now, if you don't believe in this, no biggie. The sun will still set today and rise tomorrow. But, if you're like me, and the idea that a force much greater than you might have something to do with the happenings in your life when nothing seems logical or remotely predictable and you do actually believe in things that don't make sense and you can't actually see with your eyes....well, maybe this magic will find it's way to me (and you) and this shift they speak of will actually happen. I could certainly use a little help if the universe feels like helping a gal out. 🤞🏻

Three months ago I had my first clear scan in over a year and a half. It was glorious. I felt so free and happy and it made showing up for chemo every three weeks a little easier....until it didn't. As that tug of war has it, I started to worry if "cancer free" is sustainable for me. I started to worry about how it will feel to have it all ripped out from under me again. I am triggered by all of the loss I've faced. Time, hair, security, finances, faith, relationships...and so much more. It takes so much sacrifice to live with cancer, survive cancer and heal from cancer. There is so much in between that goes unnoticed, I think because those of us going through it are just trying so hard to hang on and understand it that we don't actually share it. I can't really explain why one minute I'm so empowered and feel my strength in my bones and the very next moment I'm bawling my eyes out because, well, it could be a million and one reasons. I have decision fatigue in daily life which probably is annoying to my friends and family when they ask 'where do you want to go for dinner', because my reality is I'm having to decide if I should decrease the steroid they give me on infusion day in order to help with the nausea and side effects of the chemo. I ponder which is worse, the steroid that is causing me to have shitty eye sight, gain weight and not sleep for days or possibly feeling like I'm going to vomit all the time. Every single day my mental dialogue is, do I wear my wig and feel kind of "normal" or do I be brave and bold and rock this weird pixie cut stage I'm in. Seems miniscule to those around me, but the war in my mind is constant. So many decisions, always. I show up for chemo grateful for the scientific advancements that have this drug available to me which just might be the thing that is saving my life, but I'm overwhelmed at the idea that I will be taking it indefinitely and I'm so terrified that it will stop working like the five other drugs I've been on did. Adding to the stress of it all, as I near my daughter's high school graduation in just 3 weeks, I'm so beyond grateful to be here to celebrate with her. I can't even find the words that depict how emotional it makes me because I cannot tell you how many times I wondered if it was going to be even possible that I would make it this far. I'm incredibly saddened by the fact that I feel as if I wasn't always fully present for all of the things during her childhood. She was only nine when I was diagnosed. I mean I've always shown up and I always put the kids before myself, always. But my mind was often in a million other places. Worrying about what if I get sick in the middle of a performance she had or rushing back from chemo or an appointment to get to her game on time. It's never been just normal mom stuff, it's cancer mom stuff. I'm trying really hard not to sound like I'm complaining here, but I've had several survivor friends reach out to me lately and I know I'm not alone. None of this, what we are having to go through, makes sense. So at this time in particular, if the dear universe is extending an opportunity for me to finally feel some ease and empowerment that isn't created because I've had to make it happen in the midst of this shitshow, I will take it with open arms.

So here is what I do know and what I often have to remind myself of, like multiple times a day. Although I did not ask for this storm, nor did anything to cause it-seriously my survivor friends, this is NOT our fault-I know that I am strong enough to endure it. Whether the bad luck astrology stuff ends today or continues, there will be breaks in which the most beautiful light will appear. Even if that light only lasts for a millisecond, it will appear. Sometimes the strength is in being open to seeing it, not only enduring the storm in its entirety. The chemo is lifesaving and giving me time to raise my kids (to see all of the graduations to come and more!), Making hard choices about my cancer treatment means I have a say in this fight and I have the power to choose. Fuck what's for dinner, they can figure it out. I'm just doing something much bigger than most people can even fathom. It's ok to go with the flow in some things so that I'm ever so present for the hard things. I'm not a regular mom, I am in fact a cancer mom. We protect those we love with a fierceness that others do not. We love more deeply because we know there's a cost. We are GRATEFUL for every single second because we know how fragile this whole life thing truly is. Being a cancer mom truly comes with some baggage, but I swear our hearts are ten times bigger and THAT is the light that I hold onto when I'm doubting it all and especially doubting myself. Last night my daughter had a soccer game. A cold front was coming through which resulted in what felt like a dust/dirt tornado situation. It was seriously gross and really creepy! The game continued despite the weather and while probably smarter people sought refuge in their cars, I sat there with the wind and dirt swirling around me. I cozied up in my blanket and kind of giggled at the irony of it all. I, we, will persist in spite of this damn storm. And low and behold, they came out of it with a victory! Kicking into the wind and all. A friend of mine also shared with me today that she was in fact, married during an actual tornado! Obviously not planned, not desired, but a matrimony that lasted fifty years!! We can indeed survive the storms that we face, even though some storms seem to persist a bit longer than we would like. Search for light, hold on for help, love along the way and maybe just pray for that piece of magic that brings it all peacefully together, thank you universe. 😉 ✨

As I hold on tight in the weeks to come....scans, treatment, senior night, graduation....I will do it with so much love and gratitude. For my Izzy- "Your journey won't always make sense while you're in it, but one day you'll look back and see it was guiding you home all along. There were moments you thought would break you, and instead, they built you. Some paths feel lonely because they are meant for your becoming." -The Rooted Soul

Always believe in yourself, toots, because I believe in you and your ability to both achieve and overcome absolutely anything. I've watched you handle some pretty heavy stuff and come out of it so strong, graceful and resilient beyond belief. Go blaze trails...you are more capable than you know. I love you.

-Your Cancer Mom 🩷

I Accept Me

by Manifestica_Studio

https://youtu.be/A8eULoP79Fo?si=BKinLrWrHQGT8JkC