Claiming This Space

"Believe it until it manifests. Believe in it with your whole heart-even before you see a single sign. You don't need to control the how. You don't need to stress about the when. Your job is to stay aligned, stay faithful and stay open. What you desire is already making its way to you in ways far better than you imagined. Trust the energy you're creating. Trust the work you've done. Trust yourself. Let go of the need to force. Let go of the timeliness. Allow things to unfold. Let it come naturally. Because what's meant for you is already yours, waiting for you to believe it."-@thespiritualmagic

It is with the most heartfelt gratitude for my oncology team, God, my inner strength and all of you that I finally have some really great news to share! Last Friday I had my routine, every 3 month PET scan. The findings were nothing short of a miracle. "No evidence of Metastatic Disease" and "a Complete Metabolic Response to Treatment"!! I've been chasing a clear scan for the past eighteen months and boy do I mean CHASING. In August of 2024 breast cancer had been detected once again in several spots on my spine/hip. Radiation and two different oral chemo regimens kept it somewhat controlled, but it never went away. By August 2025, it had spread to eight spots on my spine/hip. I was shocked, devastated and scared. I cannot begin to put into words what it's like having to lock eyes with your mortality so many times over. It never gets any easier. It honestly felt like it kept coming for me with more and more diligence despite my pleading for time to be able to raise my family. The whirlwind of getting a new chemo port implanted, starting IV chemo and losing my hair all over again this fall left me feeling like an observer of my life. Warrior mode is nothing new to me and I easily jumped into action and walked the walk, but once it all emotionally caught up with. me, the landing was anything but soft. Cruel and unusual punishment were words that invaded my thoughts. For the first time in my eight year journey, giving up was something I was wrestling with. My reality is that this current treatment plan is my toughest yet. This chemo, while magical, is hard. The side effects are rough and I honestly feel pretty lousy for a good 3-5 days post infusion. BUT.....it's working. Like, REALLY WORKING!! And that, makes it all worth it. Every tear, every heartbreak, every prayer and plea...I have such gratitude for this opportunity to say thank you for hope, thank you for my life, my future, and for giving me time to continue making sense of this madness. Time. You really don't appreciate it until it isn't guaranteed.

Something that caught me a bit off guard was my reaction to hearing this greatest possible news. One might think I was cheering and excitedly celebrating! Oddly, that just wasn't my reaction. Not that I'm not so happy and grateful, but boy is it all complicated. For starters, I will continue with my treatment plan, so warrior mode is still in tact. Chemo every 3 weeks it is. Game on. I've been reminded a lot lately of the fact that others have not had the same outcome with treatment that I have had this time and it truly makes my heart hurt. I don't understand why I'm getting this chance and others are not. Survivor's Guilt is a thing and I feel it more and more the longer I'm on this path. Grateful for the chance at living, but sad at the reality that 'fair' is not a word that applies in the cancer world. Also, if I'm being so honest, I'm still really terrified. It all went so wrong so fast despite me doing all the things to kill the fucking cancer! I will never understand why it all happened the way it did. Traumatizing is too gentle of a word to describe this journey, but it comes with a dash of perspective and self realization, so maybe not as gut wrenching as I'm making it out to be?! But truly, it's so hard and maybe impossible for me to let my guard down and consider surviving in anything but fight or flight mode. It's all I've known for a really long time now. This is something I will keep working on, and who knows, maybe with more clear scans and well, time, I can find myself making plans and living in greater increments than every three damn months?! Despite these crazy obstacles, after a week of processing my amazing news, I am, however, willing to claim this space I find myself in as a victory and acknowledge that it is a beautiful space that was created just for me. It's foundation is built out of love, resilience, honesty and strength. It took so much faith to believe that I could get to this point and it will take just as much faith, if not more, to believe that it is sustainable. I will continue fighting for the life that I truly believe I have earned. I'm moving forward with purpose and a sense of gratitude for yet another chance at life. I do not and will not take this privilege for granted.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for staying with me and supporting me. I learn from each and every one of you and I'm grateful for this community we have created. It feels good to know that in a world of darkness, the light here at Killing It Friday, while sometimes dim, is always, most certainly, on and shining. Keep On Killing it my friends.

Much love-M 👼

"It's easy to be thankful for the good stuff. The real flex is to be grateful for everything that didn't go your way, knowing it helped you become the person you are today."-@awaken_one

Step Into Your Power

by Manifestica_Studio

https://youtu.be/DDnXRaxOl-g?si=QMiyueB9yX8P1d-Z