Lately my mind has been loud. Too loud. My thoughts have been a mixed bag of worry, anticipation, panic, excitement and just about everything else under the sun. Maybe it's the time of year, with my kids being done with school and moving into a new schedule. It could be that I've been so busy trying to be superwoman with what I need to get done at work so that I can enjoy an easier
schedule this summer. It's also the expectations that I have set for myself in regards to the physical goals I am striving to achieve. Maybe it's that June brings a whole bunch of baggage for me, both good and bad. A year ago I was just about to run my first Spartan Race which was crazy hard, but also crazy amazing. I think back to that time and it's a tough pill to swallow that I'm not physically capable of completing that race the way I would want to. I'm just not there yet. I'm having some serious jealousy of what my body was formerly capable of doing. I know I'm getting there and this keeps coming up in my blog, but man it's hard to be patient! June was also the month I had my surgery...and my very near death experience. The PTSD is real and it sneaks up at weird times. Sometimes I think that because I'm not always slowing down to just go through and acknowledge all of the emotions surrounding it, that it gets subconsciously amplified and catches me totally off guard. Recurrence has been on my mind in a big and bad way lately. That's not an easy beast to tame and it really adds to the noise. I also find myself comparing where I'm at and what I'm doing to other people (never a productive or good thing to do) and my mind gets clogged. I kind of blame my romance with social media for this one. I might see a picture of someone and think she's prettier, skinnier, happier, having a much better time and never had to deal with this cancer shit. Logically, I know this doesn't matter and I need to just shut it down, but it adds to the noise. The constant feeling that I can't sift through it all is when I know it's time to slow down. I sometimes lose myself in the crazy that exists around me. I went to my first Yin Yoga class last week and unlike my typical Vinyassa Flow class, we were lead into a pose or position and just held it for a time to meditate in that pose. HOLY RELAXING! Why have I been planking and working so hard in my other hot yoga class every week? haha! There is definitely now time in my week for this gem of a class! My instructor posed a question during one part of class which was, "What does it feel like to slow down? Not try to be everything to everyone at every second?". Like so many things in my life, I was posed this question at the very best time. Why do I let the noise get too loud? Why do I think I have to have it all figured out and in control at every second? Cancer has molded me into a person who tries to seize every single day. Sometimes I get carried away trying to "seize" too much. I want to plan the trip, have coffee with a friend, watch my kids' ball games, go for a run, write my blog....you get the idea. Put so much on my plate because it makes me feel alive. Not to blame it all on cancer, because I think I've always been a little demanding of myself, but it was pointed out to me that I didn't get to choose having cancer. It happened to me. I think sometimes I go a little crazy trying to choose to do other things in my life because it gives me a sense of control. What I'm realizing is that I need to find a better balance of "seizing" the day, but also giving myself the time to slow down reflect, relax and quiet my mind. This too, can be a way to feel alive...like really feel it! I'm not certain that I will ever go back to the just let things happen when they happen mentality. I can't let life pass me by like that. I can, however, take the time to sort it all out. To take a deep breath and understand that quieting down is also a form of self love and of living! Thank goodness I have the ability to feel everything I am feeling both good and bad. The key for me, is noticing the triggers that send my mind racing and what feelings they force to the surface. Sifting through all of this is the greatest perk of being alive! I owe it to myself to do and become everything I've dreamed of doing and being, but I can do this while taking moments to silence the noise and slow down. I truly think it will make me feel even more alive and grateful...more than ever. I receive a daily meditation prompt and today's was perfect. "Take a deep breath. You're already enough. Stop waiting, savor THIS moment and smile." -M