Another New Door
A few years ago, I kind of became obsessed with this unique admiration of doors. Not just your run of the mill door, but rather the exquisite architecture of beautiful old doors that perhaps have been given new life. When you look at them, you can't help but be mesmerized by not only their beauty, but the stories that the imperfect, refurbished piece of wood might be able to tell if obviously we lived in some magical world where doors could talk, haha. Ok, stay with me here, I swear I'm not completely losing it, but as I was creatively trying to figure out a way to express my current state given my recent trauma/setback, I stumbled upon my Pinterest Board that is full of these doors that I've been admiring for so long and it all just struck a chord with me. I've spent the last 3 years constantly closing one door, opening another. As I walk through each new door, I'm scared, alone, desperately searching for light and trying to drum up the courage to make it seem like this new door is just another thing I must conquer. I navigate my way through these doorways despite having very little confidence in the fact that maybe, just once, what is on the other side of this new door might be an existence with just a bit more ease than what I have experienced in the last several years. If I'm being honest, I haven't really paid much attention to the intricate beauty these doors of my life possess as I cross over the threshold. Typically, I admire the journey, the door, once I've successfully made my way through it. This old approach has gotten me through so much, but I'm finding myself needing to find a new approach now. I thought my life was finally in this place where thriving and passion would meet to create what I have been working so hard at becoming my destiny. In a matter of hours on that unforgettable day in January, I feel like it was all taken from me once again. So, I've come to the conclusion recently, that this old pattern doesn't really suit me. It's time I get really uncomfortable in the place I am in currently, so that not only do I experience it, deal with it and grow from it, but so that I can say I appreciated it and I didn't run from it. Pretty freakin' bold if I do say so myself.
You can call them doors, chapters, really whatever you want. Regardless of what you refer to them as, clearly some are more desirable than others. Some will mesmerize you with their obvious beauty and dazzle you with their unique flair. Others will leave you desiring for something better, but my advice for you from someone who has gone through many rutted life experiences is that even the dismal ones hold beauty of some kind. It's safe to say that I bottomed out here recently and as a result was feeling as low or lower than I have in a really long time. Thanks a lot, cancer (insert eye roll). I've been putting myself back together one piece at a time as I have had to time and time again. I have, however, been better this go around at examining the pieces as I slowly rebuild in order to understand the baggage that I've been carrying around with me for so long. I've been through soooooo many doors my friends, so as you can imagine, you acquire your fair share of crap. I'm learning to give myself credit in the here and now. Not just for what I've overcome, but what I'm overcoming. There is a difference. I'm learning that for me, it is essential to protect my energy at all costs. Sometimes I give so much of myself to others that I am left with nothing to give to myself. I'm learning that the pain that defined me yesterday, doesn't have to be carried with me today. It is ok to release and download an intention for what really serves me well in the present moment. I"m accepting my broken pieces. Let me say that again....I am accepting my broken damn pieces. For me, this has been finally after two months time, looking in the mirror and seeing where my breast was taken from me. You read that right. It has taken TWO MONTHS for me to accept this version of myself. It's actually one of the greatest forms of self care, self love and self acceptance that I will probably ever experience in my lifetime. It has been anything but easy and I feel like a weight has been lifted as I finally found the courage to deal with this head on. It's almost like by finally acknowledging that this part of my body is temporarily altered, it is actually starting to heal. The state of my scarring will depict whether or not my surgery will happen next month or in a few more months. I'm literally swimming in an ocean of uncertainty right now which for a planning type of gal, is tough as hell. Whatever the outcome will be though, I have been able to accept this shitty door/chapter/situation as a part of my life story and that, my dear angels, is a bloody freaking miracle. The dark, dirty and ugly door that I was thrown through actually has some unforgettable detail that I will carry with me and allow it to mold me in the best possible way. I'm showing up for myself with less judgement, more admiration and with an ambition that will literally move mountains going forward. I guess the lesson here is that at least there are still doors to go through! The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly....these phases of our lives can either keep us running in place or catapult us to greatness. The decision is your own. Always.
Keep going, keep learning, keep believing....My wings, your wings....our wings. Always. -M
"Healing doesn't have to look magical or pretty. Real healing is hard, exhausting and draining. Let yourself go through it. Don't try to paint it as anything other than what it is. Be there for yourself with no judgement." -Audrey Kitching