I was driving home from my cancer center yesterday and I was feeling something a little foreign as of late. I was blissfully happy. Like, complete euphoria washed over me and I felt like, for the first time in a long time, that the impossible was completely possible. This has happened to me on occasion in the past during my solo ventures to see my doctors or when coming home from getting my monthly injection. I ride this high that is like an out of body experience. Envision me driving my car, listening to the music that fuels me to the depths of my soul and just feeling so much love and gratitude for my life that I feel as if I could burst. In these moments I am planning and dreaming and feeling like the world, the angels, the universe are all on my side. I never really had that feeling pre cancer, but it drops in from time to time now as a reminder to me that I am here. I am alive and I am capable of doing all the things that I dare to dream to do. Since COVID hit, this bliss had taken a back seat to worry, panic and concern for what is constantly happening around me. My rides home were a time for me to breathe and then begin the worry process all over again. Yesterday, however, it was like the way my trips were pre the pandemic madness. It's like I went in for whatever visit I had, faced some hard truths and came out of it stronger and more full of life than how I went in. This feeling is so hard to explain, but I've been missing it. It feels really good....and right now, this week, this year, this moment....I needed to feel that. Life has been so daunting lately. There is just so much noise. I'm working from home part of the time and in person the rest. My kids are learning from home which has been HARD. With 100% certainty, they are where they need to be right now, but it's one giant juggling act. I'm in a constant state of worry when it comes to what might happen to the people I care about, what is to be my fate in regards to my health and just the run of the mill what is going to happen to us as a society. I don't know if the tides are turning, if my angels are speaking to me or if I just finally have faith once more, but I finally gave myself permission to believe and to start pursuing my purpose once again.
I read something recently that said:
"Maybe you're not healing because you're trying to be who you were before the trauma, that person doesn't exist anymore, because there's a new you trying to be born. Breathe life into that person."-Awaken Healers
Yes! This speaks to me because I'm realizing that clearly my cancer story was a whole bunch of trauma that I have worked and am working through, but so has this pandemic situation! It has changed what I can/cannot do and it has forced me to face even MORE hard truths about the world, my circle and the direction I need to go in for my ultimate peace and well being. I haven't been living up to my potential lately. I think I've used this situation we find ourselves in as a crutch to just play it safe for awhile. I'm tired of safe. I'm ready to move forward. This pandemic isn't really going away as quickly as I would want it to, so I need to adapt and keep moving forward and not allow myself to be stuck in this in between space. What I learned about myself over the past several years is that I am always capable of running the race and climbing the mountain despite every single thing working against me. I have the power to change my mindset and do what seems impossible whenever I see fit....not cancer nor a pandemic can stop me unless I allow it to . Hell, I'm the one always saying "in our darkest moments, we find our greatest strength". Let's Go, Mia....idle no more. I had the immense privilege of speaking with a fellow Cancer Survivor from Pittsburg this week. We connected through Facebook of all things, but our stories are so crazily similar! I was reading what she was putting out there and I was like, wait, did she steal my story? I messaged her and before I knew it ,she sent me her phone number and said "call me". This is so out of character for me, but I did. We spoke for I don't know how long, but it was amazing to speak to someone who knew exactly where I was in my journey and she gave me some amazing advice. She reminded me that I have overcome some incredible setbacks and I can do hard things! It's my superpower! She knew, because like me, she turned her tragedy into triumph and was chasing after her lofty goals as well. She gave me hope that my goals are achievable despite the medical maintenance regimen I find myself in. That phone call lifted me up and set me up to start breaking down the barricades that I have put in my own damn path. Time to do and achieve all that I've been leaving on the back burner. Since that conversation and that car ride, I've had some pretty exciting things happen that I can't wait to tell you about, but I'm waiting for just the right time. The hint I will give you is that it's progress and it's putting goals/plans in motion. It's been a long time since I've been able to focus on something other than only my health. That's still a concern obviously and takes up a lot of space for me, but I'm feeling confident that there is finally room for other things as well.
Old ways, old diets, old ways of existing....they are gone. Not necessarily forgotten, but not serving me now. I'm thankful for the lessons my old life has taught me and the experiences that left me wanting more. Thank you for what you did for me, but it's time I head in a new direction now. So if you're needing a sign, a push or someone to lift you up...I've got your back. This is your life..this is your now. Forget all of the shit that has been 2020....use it to propel you into something greater. Manifest your dreams and put out some good energy into the world that will only allow for good things in return. If I can sit in the chemo chair with a needle injected into my belly and say "this day has been amazing", then I feel like so can you, too. Is this easy? Hell, no. But oh how powerful it feels to look adversity in the face and come out victorious. This is your chance...this is your life...live it, now.
Stay curious . If you are not doing what you absolutely love to do, you are wasting your time. Go on, live!