"If you ever get the chance to love a person who knows grief, do not let them go. You see the thing about grief is that it is not exclusive. It consumes life, it taints everything a little gray. It won't hesitate to remind you that everyone and everything you love will disappear someday. BUT... I found that the people who carry grief, love with a fierceness that no one else knows. They understand what's at stake because they've had to let someone go. So they remember the little things and they show up when it counts. They know that life is rare. You won't have to spell it out. So don't take for granted, the people who know loss, for they know more about love because they know what it costs." -Whitney Hanson Poetry
I read a quote the other day from one of my favorite social media handles called @ThanksCancer that read; "Cancer survival does not always feel super survivey." I'm not even sure if the word "survivey" exists, but damn did I understand this! I've been absent from this blog over the last few months because I just haven't felt very inspired, inspiring or quite simply, "survivey". I expressed this to a few friends and they reminded me that you all aren't showing up here on this platform for me to just lift you up. You're here because of my honesty and transparency as I walk this earth as a human, a mother, a friend.....and a woman carrying the scars of a thousand internal and external cancer battles. I guess I got in my own way thinking that perfection is what you all are looking for. Thank goodness that I quickly realized that perfection is simply not me and really not even all that attainable or honestly even remotely desirable. It's boring... haha! I was also reminded, that I'm not really writing this for any other purpose than to pour my truth into the hearts of those who either want to walk with me or who need a familiar voice as they walk their own similar path. And most importantly, so my kids someday will learn how hard I battled the cancer demons to show up not only for them, but for myself, too. When I dig deep to try to understand why I've felt so 'off' for the last many months, the only constant emotion, is grief. I'm so incredibly fortunate to have had clear scans for the past eighteen months. I'm humbled and grateful and just relieved to have had good news this long after my Stage 4 news. I'm cautiously optimistic that I can keep riding this wave, but I'm also very sad and lonely and grief stricken. In some ways my life, a life that I knew and could understand, was taken from me. Yes, I've been able to redefine who I am, what I stand for and 100% my cancer experiences have gifted me lessons that I actually do hold dear. BUT....the constant fight or flight, the version of me that I've had to let go of and the people and relationships that I've lost along the way have changed me forever. I guess the honest truth is I just don't know what to do with all of this yet. I was watching one of my favorite TV series last night and one of the characters seemed a little lost. Her friend told her she was in her 'cocoon phase', meaning soon she would emerge and fly into the direction of her dreams. I hope that is what is going on with me. I think I can survive in this cocoon a little longer if I just had the assurance that maybe, just maybe I can emerge happier, a little more free, feeling confident and ultimately at peace. I don't know if I can ever not feel grief at all. My pre cancer life, my dreams, my confidence, my beauty....my mom....they all meant something to me and it felt like it was all ripped out from under me. I'm still trying to find my footing. I don't think I can get over losing it all, but hopefully I can learn to carry it with me in a different way. As the beautiful opening words from Whitney Hanson stated...I do "love with a fierceness" that stem from a thousand experiences that have left me in the gray. I hope, that someday soon, I notice a bit more color.
Since it's been awhile since I've checked in on you and myself, too....I decided that it's a two song day! I just couldn't decide between these two that I'm sharing with you because I hold both songs dear to my heart. The first is from my soul to yours and when my kids are old enough to read this, I want you three (daughter AND sons) to listen to these lyrics and know it's my wish for you...
Girls
By Rachel Platten
Also! A highlight of my summer was making the wishes of my teenage daughter come true as we walked along Cornelia Street in NYC. She's a Taylor Swift MegaFan and somehow she's found a way to convert me. đ¤đ I will always remember my sweet girl's smile and the laughs we shared On Cornelia Street. I love you forever, Iz đ
Cornelia Street
By Taylor Swift
Thanks for hanging out in the gray with me. I think there's a lot to learn here. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have you with me. I'm looking forward to emerging from this cocoon soon. All my love-M
**Coming Soon!! ** A Killing It Friday Playlist with all of these blog favorite songs! Stay tuned! đ