There was a period of time this year, that I didn't think I'd see this birthday. That sentence is packed and fueled with so many experiences and emotions I've had to live through that I don't wish it on anyone and yet I wish it for everyone. Silent battles are so tough because the world sees grace, but the reality is struggle. My mortality was challenged in a big, big way this year. It's taunted me before, but never quite like this. I've cried many tears, but I've also celebrated tiny, but oh so mighty, victories. I've been knocked down lower than I've ever been, but I rebounded higher than I could have predicted. The downside was devastation, but the upside was clarity. It is sobering to be on this path that I didn't ask to be on and finally be acknowledging the purpose rather than constantly feeling the resistance.
I guess in the months leading up to this November 21st, I thought if I made it to this birthday, it would be this huge, loud celebration. In following my heart, however, (thanks, Cath) it has turned out to be this quiet, soulful 'thank you'. I'm taking my time doing the things that give me peace and my introspective soul some time to feel and appreciate. My truth is, I'm just so fucking grateful to be alive. My curse has been wrapped up in cancer, but my blessing has clearly been knowing what has almost been taken from me many times over. From the day I turned 40 until now, cancer entered the conversation and hasn't wanted to leave. I honestly don't remember my 39th birthday....but I can tell you everything about 40, 41, 42, 43, 44 and now 45. My curse, doing everything I can not to waste this second chance life and yet wonder if I will have another number to experience, but my blessing, feeling it all to the very depths of my soul. Many blessings, and one giant, complicated curse.
I'm rewriting the script for myself from birthday wishes, to what I'm calling my birthday hopes. Wishes, for me, seem too vague, too easy to dissipate into the atmosphere. For some reason that I can't really explain, my hopes feel more like an agreement, a plan. Right after I was initially diagnosed, my mom gifted me a framed plaque that read: "Having hope will give you courage". To be honest, I couldn't make sense of that statement for a long time. Nonetheless, I have always had it propped up somewhere I could see it, because, well, Mom. It makes more sense to me now. I'm choosing today to walk into '45' with more courage because my hopes are abundant. Here goes:
I hope for more time.
I hope these experiences are molding my children to be even more empathetic, more loving and more resilient than the flip side that is my fear of allowing this whole thing to be robbing them of an innocence and security that I couldn't provide for them.
I hope I keep changing and growing and truly become the woman I am destined to be.
I hope I not only blaze the trails of change, I hope I light the whole damn path on fire.
I hope to hold hands more, laugh more and find solace in the arms of those I love.
I hope to keep dreaming.
I hope this is my healthiest year yet.
I hope for more time with my parents.
I hope I can continue to find the courage to pray....and that she talks back.
I hope to stop seeing myself for what I'm not and start dancing in the beauty of what I am.
I hope to travel...and just maybe, keep inching myself closer to Paris.
I hope I continue to find the strength on my hardest days to just keep going.
I hope I can help make the world a better place.
I hope those I love, know it.
I hope for more days of laughter and less days of worry.
I hope I can keep seeing the light while surviving in the dark.
I hope the cancer doesn't spread....
I hope I see 46.
Keep On Killing It...So much love, now and forever-M
Today's Jam I'm simply sharing because I love it...at the Piano Bar, the karaoke club or blasting in my car. I do love the line "There's just one life to live and there's no time to wait". 🖤
Give Your Heart a Break-Demi Lovato
This is 45....
"What a perfect collision of stars it was
that came together at just the right moment
at just the right time,
to build the incredible thing that is you."-Nikita Gill, Your Soul is a River
✨Thank you, Dad, for instinctively telling me my birth story this year since mom just can't. The amount of love and gratitude I have for the both of you knows no limits. I'm so proud to be your daughter. Thank you so much for my life. 7:55✨