I guess I lied when I said that not all of my blogs will have to do with cancer, because what I"m finding out is that the effect it's had on me is trickling over into just about every aspect of my life whether I want it to or not. It creeps up on me in my thoughts, in my daily life and when I write apparently, just to name a few. I don't think it's a bad thing, but it just is what it is. Today's topic kind of revolves around it because I'm just stuck trying to deal with everything lately. I'm sure those of you reading may have things other than cancer that you're trying to overcome, so hopefully you can relate to some of my feelings if you choose to read on. As it turns out, surviving cancer isn't really as easy as I thought it would be. A year ago, all I wanted to hear was that there is no cancer living in my body.The end. By the grace of god, I have been told that, but now I'm left with the aftermath. I'm still taking daily medications, visiting my doctors on a fairly regular basis, worrying about recurrence and trying to figure out what the hell to do with this second chance at life. I'm so grateful for all of this, but it is freaking hard. For some reason going about my life and my day in the "same old, same old" mentality doesn't work. Being bold and declaring that I'm only going to live out my life doing what fulfills me and sets my soul on fire is complicated because some days I don't know what that is! I just feel stuck. I hate stuck. Stuck sucks. And what's worse is that the few people that probably are on to me feeling this way might think I'm nuts, I guess that' s the easy part for me, because I love you all, but I honestly don't care what anyone thinks. That ship sailed when I realized I might not live another day. So what I'm learning is that going through something traumatic is tough, obviously. You have to pick yourself up and do the work to stay afloat. What I'm also learning, is the aftermath can be just as traumatic. You aren't the same person that you were going into the storm (so cliche' but so true!). Picture a scene where the storm is brewing and eventually hitting. It's chaotic, it's messy and it's never clear what the outcome is going to be. Now picture the same scene once the storm is over. I't's still messy, chaotic and not really clear what the new and improved situation will look like. My life. I endured some really scary shit and now I have to figure out what to do with that knowledge and experience. I have to figure out how to deal with life when both my past & future leave me overwhelmed and a little scared. Most days, thank goodness, my outlets get me through...running, music, yoga, journaling, family time or adventures with my squad. I know these things make me happy and joyful to still be amongst the living. But there are days when these things just aren't enough. I don't have the magic answer as to how to cope on these days, but I think I just need to keep working on the realization that I don't have to have everything figured out today. I am strong and resilient enough to figure out which arrow to follow when the time is right. I won't wait forever, because time is precious, but living in the moment needs to be about just that. I need to keep my mind from overanalyzing everything all the time and just take the time to breathe. Easy, right?! Well, not really, but this is my goal anyway. The "holy shit I almost died" is a real diagnosis that hangs on for a long time. I'm learning that it's ok to be sad and to cry. It's ok to feel ok. It's ok to feel lost and scared. I't s ok to feel emotionally high on life and happy beyond measure. It's also ok to not have all of the answers and it's ok to make changes when and where I see fit. So on this day, when I'm not sure which way to go, I'm going to rely on my favorite saying that got me through hell this past year....."An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it is going to launch you into something great. So just focus and keep aiming." -M
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