Life has been a little fast and crazy lately, which has made it hard for me to put my thoughts and feelings into words. After some guidance from my friend, mentor, Reiki master and cousin Cathy (oh how I love you!), I"m hitting pause and ready to reflect. I settled in at one of my favorite coffee shops today to try to process what's been on my mind. I"m not sure if this post will make sense to most of you reading it, but my goal here has been authenticity, so here goes nothing. Almost two weeks ago was scan day. I had the usual CT scan and also on the schedule this go around was a bone scan. You see, my labs have had some quirky things going on that led my oncology team to want to make sure that I didn't have any cancer that had metastasized to my bones. "Just another little scan to add to your schedule" is how they put it. I laughed. It is true that medical procedures in general don't sound the panic alarm in the same fashion that they used to for me. I mean, I've endured quite a bit of "stuff" that has pushed me to the brink of all out panic attacks and yet somehow on these momentous occasions, I've mostly kept my composure through it all,. This scan day in particular for whatever reason, I wasn't too worried about this addition to my schedule even though it was still a little tough to swallow the idea that something else could potentially go so catastrophically wrong, Regardless, I didn't really let it all sink in prior to scan day. I just made sure I had my head on straight and went about the day with confidence. My chipper self marched into the hospital with a peaceful composure. I had my dad as my honorary sidekick...he is always handpicked because he helps me to stay grounded on what could be a downward spiral kind of event. My mind didn't really go to the "what if" scenario until I was on the table during the bone scan while I waited for the doctors to determine if they needed more imaging or if they had what they needed. I was lying on the table, arms strapped down, machine about a half an inch from my face all the while wearing my mask. Suddenly I felt completely claustrophobic I felt panic start from my insides and before I knew it I had some tears running down the corners of my eyes. I couldn't wipe them (cuz my arms were secured) so I just let them roll. In those minutes that followed, the only words that kept repeating in my mind were, "How is this my life".....quickly followed by "what in the hell am I going to do if something is wrong". Big questions, little answers. It was in this moment that I let myself go there....you know, the place we optimistic cancer types aren't supposed to fathom because as everyone tells us, "we've got this". Well, allow me to let you in on the secret....Most days, we most definitely don't "got this". I am brave, yes. I am strong, yes. I am capable, yes. But I"m also scared and desperate for some good fucking news.
After some coffee, conversation and distraction made possible by the word's best dad, a few hours later I had my meeting with Dr. Jones. Somehow I truly felt like my angels were with me. It's hard to describe how or why, but when he told me there was no evidence of disease, I knew there was some divine spirit holding me up. In some ways, I expected this news and in other ways I felt like I dodged a bullet. Actually, dodging bullets is what it has felt like for the past 3 and a half years. Dodging some and getting hit by others. Lots of scars, internal and external wounds, but nothing deadly....yet.
I celebrated my good news with a drink, ok two, with my dad. An outdoor patio, great drinks and meaningful conversation made this day something I will never ever forget. I am so thankful my dad is willing to be there for me in the most important way possible. It is not lost on me that he is stepping up and playing two roles since my mom isn't able to physically be right there with me right now. Fuck Cancer and most definitely fuck Alzheimers. I most certainly carry her spirit with me and I think it shows. Dad...you lift me up, you help me fly and you have shown me what unconditional love looks and feels like. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for continuing to weather this storm with me. I so love you.
You'd think I'd still be floating on cloud nine after hearing the good news, but the reality is clear scans while celebratory in nature, seem fleeting. This far into this cancer experience of mine, my hope is just that it can continue to be this way. I hope I can continue down this road called healing and have cancer stay away. I've seen too many friends not get the same news, so while I"m happy about my outcome on that day, I'm somber, I"m cautious and I'm holding space for those of my peers who have not received the same outcome. If anything, my current mission has become abundantly clear. I must get through this next surgery. I am scheduled for a latissimus dorsi flap reconstructive surgery to rebuild my left chest/breast area on August 10th. Following this surgery, I will have a follow up and hopefully final surgery three months later. Once this is complete, it will put me at 7 surgeries in the past 3 years. (Audible sigh.) I believe from the very depths of my soul that this is the right thing for me to do. I believe it will propel me forward and I believe that my choice to reconstruct my breasts is both brave and necessary for me to heal. I've heard many opinions and misconceptions about what this surgery is and why I"m doing it....ya'll can keep your opinions to yourself. I'm only accepting love and support. The rest is just noise and is meaningless to me. I am taking a huge sigh of relief that my latest surgical complications weren't because cancer had found its way back into my body. Yes, I've been stressing about this for a long time now. I know despite how hard I try to be ok and healthy, I am for some reason at high risk for surgical complications. My hope is that I have paid my dues, healed what needed to be healed and maybe just get lucky this time! I'm ready for good news, positivity and abundance.
I'm going to leave you with this....On June 28th I celebrated, in my own way, the anniversary of my life. Not my birthday, but the day I came very close to losing my life. 3 years ago on this date, I was whisked away in an ambulance and placed in the ICU with sepsis and multiple organ failure. Somehow, I made it out and I've been trying really hard to live my second chance life with grace, drive and authenticity ever since. This past year has felt like it has been a challenge to do this, so I needed this reminder to refocus, ground myself and really take in what matters most in this world. This year, I went out for a nice dinner with the two people who gave me life. I spent time my parents who I absolutely cherish. They made me who I am. They have supported me my entire life and they call me out when I need it. When people say "I don't know how you do it", it's simple. It's because I was raised by two extraordinary humans.
Finally, this song played over and over in my head that day while I was getting my scans and I've listened to it about a millions times since. It's by the artist SIA and I hope it speaks to you as much as it speaks to me. Cancer, no doubt, breaks my heart over and over again. I'm constantly putting the pieces back together, but it's ok because every piece I rebuild is making me stronger. It' s just what we survivors do. Don't take this life for granted and always know that you are capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for. It's ok to both keep perspective, yet celebrate each and every tiny victory. Sending you love, light and wishes for continued miracles-M
Big Girls Cry
Tough girl in the fast lane No time for love, no time for hate No drama, no time for games Tough girl whose soul aches
I'm at home, on my own Check my phone, nothing, though Act busy, order in Pay TV, it's agony
I may cry ruinin' my makeup Wash away all the things you've taken And I don't care if I don't look pretty Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking Big girls cry when their heart is breaking
Tough girl, I'm in pain It's lonely at the top, black outs and airplanes And I still pour you a glass, of champagne Tough girl whose soul aches
I'm at home, on my own Check my phone, nothing, though Act busy, order in Pay TV, it's agony
I may cry ruinin' my makeup Wash away all the things you've taken And I don't care if I don't look pretty Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
I wake up, I wake up, I wake up, I wake up, I wake up, I wake up, I wake up, I wake up, I wake up I wake up, I wake up, I wake up, I wake up Alone
I may cry ruinin' my makeup Wash away all the things you've taken And I don't care if I don't look pretty Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking Big girls cry when their heart is breaking