This is your moment....this is your sign...this is the permission you have been so desperately waiting for. Release all that does not serve you. Enough listening to everyone else's opinions of what you should/shouldn't be doing or how you should be feeling. Stop blaming, stop comparing, start believing in your potential and the fact that YOU are the one responsible for getting you to where you are right now. Be proud, Be bold and embrace the beauty of letting your light shine even if you find yourself in a dark or barely lit space.
As many of you who follow my stories know, the last few months have been a little darker for me due to what I call the aftermath and demons of cancer. Let's face it, the only reason I'm having surgical complications is because of the big C. I wouldn't be staggering down this road if it weren't for the hell that has been my cancer story. However! I wouldn't be in this beautiful state of healing, either, so I guess it isn't all bad....just hard, tough, beautiful life lessons in the making. I spoke to a psychic about a month ago and I found myself asking her the types of questions that I thought were pivotal to my healing, really, my survival. Her responses for the most part where uplifting and exciting, but one kind of stuck out at the time as odd. I had been curious if she ever saw me moving on and being able to close this chapter that in my state of mind has been enthralled with so much pain and suffering despite the beautiful peaks and life altering wisdom that I have/am experiencing. Her response to me was that she actually sees me as starting a new chapter.....now, in this moment, in this weird time that I find myself in. This, she explained, IS the start of a new, beautiful chapter. Say what?!? I'm sorry, but this stressed out, one boob wonder of a state I've been struggling through hasn't felt much like a new chapter. Kind of feels like a shitty epilogue....not the fresh start that I was hoping she would tell me was coming. I mean, I've been making my way down this path of post traumatic misery, I mean growth (lol) and it doesn't feel very magical or like a fresh, new start. I was suddenly skeptical. But then, just like a light switch turning on, something changed.
I've pretty much always hidden behind the pictures that I select for my blog posts. I've never really felt the need to be front and center as the pic that falls directly below the title. Mostly because even though the posts are inspired by my experiences and my life, I feel that it's the "ah ha's" and connections that can be made by either my readers resonating from what I"m describing or maybe learning from it and finding my lessons useful, that is the magic here. Not my mug on the cover. This is what I felt ties it all together and that keeps you all coming back for more. . So why today do you see me, you might ask? Because I"m owning it. All of it. The good, the bad, the cringe worthy/embarrassing stuff and the beautiful soulful, love filled revelations. My latest setback had me taking the backseat of my life because I felt so defeated, so sad, embarrassed and really afraid. Despite my head telling me how capable and resilient I am, my heart was just so damn heavy. I was feeling as misaligned as one can get. But then....I was reminded recently that this is it. This is my do over. I wasn't even guaranteed today so why the hell have I been living so safe and small lately? I do know without a doubt that I recently just needed some time to heal. Healing is hard and healing takes time. There is no right way or wrong way to go about it, really. It is your story, your life and your emotions that need to be taken into account. So as much as I have been beating myself up about how long it is taking me to snap out of it, I know this time has been serving me well. So here I am now, choosing to chase after that in which sets this glorious heart on fire. I haven't really talked about this yet, and I'm not sure when I will again because I"m not sure it's my story to tell, at least for now....but I've been watching my mom slip away from me day by day. Her Alzheimer's diagnosis has been absolutely devastating for me. She has always been my best friend and my greatest role model. This storm has been ugly and unpredictable...much like what I've been going through with my cancer situation. My mom has always been a larger than life force of love, style, ambition, laughter and tremendous grace. She instilled these same qualities in me, even though my shy, introspective ways often try to limit myself and play it a little smaller and well, safe. No more....I"m ready to take on the challenges of my upcoming complicated surgeries, bone scan, CT scan and just ongoing uncertainty in life with that same style, grace and full on force of love that is my mom. She is still with me and within me and it's time again I honor this second chance life that I'm living for the both of us. Life, people, illness, whatever can try to close doors of opportunity in my face, relationships can become distant, promises that were made might even be broken, cancer demons can haunt me, fear can try to keep me quiet, resentment can try to make me bitter ..... Regardless of the challenge, I"m releasing that which is holding me back. Done with feeling like I"m not enough or that I didn't navigate this storm the right way.I am the vessel and my heart is steering the ship. By releasing what was, I am gaining what is true now and the anticipation of what one day might be! I'm not going to sit around and wait for everything to be perfect or within my control, Instead, I'm going to hold on to even the tiniest bit of light (which is all I have somedays) and let it freaking shine. Even the tiniest bit of light can make the greatest difference when you find yourself in the dark.
Elevate...claim, reclaim, let go, whatever you have to do. Stop getting in your own way and start living the way in which you feel is right for you. I recently read the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It was quite honestly one of those life changing kind of books. I highly recommend! I honestly learned so much, but this is what I'm holding onto today:
"When you go into the desert you meet your demons face to face. After coming out of the desert, all those demons become angels."
This IS my new chapter (Thanks, Becca). Go on....Start living yours. Keep on Killing it my angels. -M
I love you, Mommy.