Searching For Stillness
I'm not really sure how we're only rounding out the second week of January, because honestly I feel like it's been a lifetime since we were decorating Christmas cookies and toasting the New Year. The world has been...a lot lately. So much is going on and chaos seems to be at every turn. The news, at work, home. Opinions are flying around like crazy, mine included, and I honestly feel like I just want to hide from it all. I've been feeling really out of sync and I'm just desperately trying to keep my head above water. I feel stuck somewhere I don't feel I'm meant to be. I don't know if this is physically, emotionally, spiritually....something is just off. The weird thing is, I know I"m not the only one. One of my survivor sisters reached out to me and we were in fact both feeling this way! She suggested it might be something with the New Moon happening this month. Perhaps she is right and it is the universe that is just guiding me to change things up, which rightfully can make me feel a little uneasy and off. I also kind of feel like it's just me succumbing to the noise and losing myself in the very things that I vowed to never let control me once again. I'm afraid that as I move forward in my life and as I work on healing from my cancer debacle, I will forget. What if I forget the important lessons that I cherish despite them being the hardest of truths and I lose this magical place I have stumbled upon where my eyes are wide open, my perspective crystal clear and my path finally cleared from everything not meant for me? I'm kind of holding onto it for dear life to be honest because I don't want to be sucked back to that place that left me feeling disappointed in myself for what I didn't go after in life when I thought it was all about to end. Kinda heavy, right?
I had the immense pleasure of being interviewed for a podcast this week. The first one I've ever done! It was such a great experience and I will share more about it as we near the publication date because I do feel like it was so incredibly special. What was interesting about this experience for me, however, was that I realized how off I was feeling by how I had to almost like, mentally prepare myself for telling my own damn story. I've been so distracted by how others might be perceiving me lately and how I'm not doing this right or I should be doing that...I've been losing myself a little. That makes me so incredibly sad. All of the moments and years of fighting for my life really resulted in me being able to know me. The real me, not the woman that others projected me to be, but the wild yet dependable, independent, caring and inquisitive soul that was buried beneath the rubble of a job, a label or a life path that stole the very parts of me that I now hold so dear. That sounds weird, but for real ya'll, I've had so much alone time and think time through all of the drive time and waiting rooms these past three years, that I managed to shed what didn't feel right and I found this authentic self that was like these rays of sunshine bursting through the dark, storm clouds that were all around me. It was pure magic to find something so incredible as everything was ultimately falling apart. What's killing me now, is that somehow the many roles I am supposed to be fulfilling in my life once again feel like they have been pulling me back into a place that doesn't feel quite right, even though that day in the ICU I vowed that it will always be ME leading the charge from here on out, not just the expectations others place upon me. Perhaps the solution here is just I need some time to meditate? A good cleanse? Therapy? For sure I need a vacay....haha! Whatever the solution might be, I think it starts with taking a breath and finding some stillness amidst the noise. I've done it before, I know I'm capable of doing it again. So while I don't have any magical solutions right now, (sorry), I do want you to know that we are in this together. If you're like me and life feels a bit strange at the moment, I'm here to throw you a rope or heck, you can jump in the life boat with me. I'm kind of hoping that I will realize that this introspection is also a gift that my trauma is delivering me at the moment. Maybe the fact that I know things are shifting is just the thing that will propel me into the next chapter that is far better than what I could ever have imagined. This "meh" feeling is my compass guiding me and making sure I learn from the changes in direction as they happen. Maybe, just maybe, this is what it means to really live. It's not just the highs and lows, but it's about the transition times that lead to a better understanding of all the magic that a fulfilled life brings. So I guess I'm going to channel this New Moon energy to hopefully reignite the truths that have gotten me to where I am now and use it to propel me to a place of even more stillness, gratitude, peace and love than I have experienced thus far. This is where I take flight and once again spread my wings to soar. I've been grounded for much too long during this period of uncertainty. I will leave you with this New Moon Invocation that hopefully finds a resting place in your heart and brings you the stillness you desire.
Under the Dark of the New Moon,
I allow myself to be reborn and my
intentions to take root.
I believe in my being, my vision and my worth.
I set focus now on my intentions and
honor the nurturing process.
As I let go and allow my creative energy
to provide sustenance
for the fruit, I will be bearing,
I own my magic and my light,
for that is what will guide me home even on the darkest nights.
Hang on my friends. It is true that the moment you are about to give up....magic.