Shadows & Light
Being a cancer survivor isn't just about getting through one treatment or another. I have yet to figure out if there is ever a definitive end to the weight that this title puts on your shoulders. I do know for certain that it is a constant battle that involves your mind, your body and most definitely your spirit. This week for me is scan week. Part of me is so accustomed to doing these scans that it's just another day at the cancer center. Let that sink in for a minute! The other part of me is absolutely terrified. It takes me back to how my life went from "normal" to nightmarish by the mere uttering of these three words: "You have cancer". It makes me sad that I can't really remember the pre cancer version of myself all that well anymore. It's like when someone you really love passes away and you try so hard to remember the pieces of them that brought you so much joy, but bit by bit it all fades away. She's been slipping away from me for quite some time now and that is a type of pain that only some of you will be able to understand. No doubt my recent unexpected surgical trauma left me feeling as far from myself as I have throughout this entire cancer ordeal. This clearly doesn't help. I also know that maybe the whole point is for me to morph into something or should I say someone greater than who I once was. I do believe this to my core, I really do, but it still is hard to let go of a woman who for me once felt like home. My cancer story has been full of triumphs and tales of strength and resilience. It's also had many chapters of loss, trauma and heartbreak. Sometimes I think about recurrence and what would happen if those three words are uttered to me once again....will I have it in me to fight? In year one of this debacle I never understood people who would not go through with whatever treatment plan was prescribed. I always found it weak, I'm sorry to admit, that people would give up on the possibility of surviving. Three and a half years into this....I understand with so much more clarity the mere idea of quality over quantity. Sometimes choosing life means choosing a life that you can live with dignity and most of all peace rather than longevity, which you previously viewed as the testimony of a life well lived. I'm not suggesting that I know what I will do if I hear those three words once again this week, or that I'm ready to give up. I'm just acknowledging that it's not as simple as what most people think. Survivorship is hard and gut wrenching and filled with scenarios that are not fair. Period. Passion for survival and purpose for living come from a force deep inside, but so does choosing a path that might turn out to be more transcendental than you could imagine. I don't have the answers, I certainly don't hold any judgement...just thoughts from a woman pondering what fate has already in store and soon will reveal.
It's dark stuff, really, to be thinking about something so unpleasant, but that is the cross that as survivors we must bear. As heartbreaking as it is to think about how wrong this all could potentially go this week, I actually had a moment the other day where I felt this tremendous strength or perhaps power engulf me from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. Beautiful light was cleansing my chakras and leaving me full of hope, strength and peace. I felt capable, strong and ready to take on any challenge that could potentially come my way. I've got to be honest....it felt damn amazing. I don't know where it came from or why I was feeling it, but in that moment I felt like I am capable of getting through this, too. Maybe it's because I know that my superpower is finding the faintest bit of light in the darkest of places. I've made it through some unimaginable situations that had I known were coming, I would have probably hid under the covers! haha. My darkest moments have absolutely helped me to find my greatest strengths. I am a force.
My goal for the days to come, is to constantly look for the light. It's always there. The shadows and burdens that are my cancer demons can take a back seat. I'm choosing to believe that my angels are with me and this incredible spirit within me will keep me safe no matter which path life sets me on next. I've learned that it's best to ask your angels for help when you need it. So, this is me, asking my angels to please stay with me, comfort me and peacefully guide me through the uncertainty.
No one fights alone...in love and light-M
Keep your face always to the sunshine and the shadows will fall behind you. -Walt Whitman