So here it is...Scan week. In my previous life (meaning B.C., before cancer), the only medical issues I ever had were breaking my arm in the 5th grade and then having my 3 babies. Pretty normal stuff. My B.C. world was filled with the drama of "normal" thirty something mom stuff. When was I going to workout, what activities did I need to get the kids to, constantly comparing myself to others and what they were up to, listening to the latest drama (AKA gossip) at work or school/daycare pickup. My life isn't really that simple anymore. If I'm being honest, that life and that simplicity, while in retrospect easy and manageable, wasn't all that fulfilling for me. My therapist (yes, I see a therapist and she's amazing. Another entry about this for sure!) made me realize that I don't really resonate with my peer group anymore. Thanks Cancer. I mean that a little bit sarcastically and also with complete gratitude. That meaningless garbage doesn't take much space in my head or my heart anymore. I mean, I still love to workout and take my kids to their activities, but it's for different reasons than before. And that other nonsense I listed is just, well, nonsense. I don't say that to put anyone down or make myself seem better than anyone. It's just most people my age haven't had to experience near death, constant pain, doctor's appointments and processing through how to navigate through life on what sometimes feels like borrowed time. The "big" stuff has entered and consumed my life. My only response is to navigate it with strength, grit, grace, compassion and complete vulnerability...that's why I choose to share it with you. When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to be the source of the mommy group gossip. Not my vibe. I didn't want the stares and the pity, really. A lot of people didn't know I was sick for kind of a long time. I was ok with that. I didn't need the sympathy of other's to get me through my experience. My strength comes from within. A few people in my life fuel it, obviously...I''m human after all, but my warrior strength that keeps me going and keeps me thriving is all me. At Yoga last night, my amazing leader recited some words by the ever so insightful Brene' Brown. She said these words "When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending". It got me thinking, had I been denying my story by keeping it to myself? By "hiding" it, was I letting it define me? Control me? In some ways, yes, but in a lot of other ways absolutely no. I wasn't hiding from my struggle I was dealing with it. Me. Alone. I needed to go through that level of processing before I could be able to share it with the world. I needed to show up for me. I needed to prove to myself that I've got my own back. That's definitely not denying my story, it's just personally dealing with it. The other super impactful theme of last night's class was "how do you show up for yourself"? Clearly, this will look different person to person depending on what you're going through in your life, good and/or bad. I've shown up before by needing more quality time with my children and going an in impromtu bike ride together. I've shown up every morning that I get up at 5:30am to run and witness another beautiful sunrise. This fuels my soul and takes work to make it happen. That's showing up. Showing up for me is setting goals, journaling, blogging, and going to therapy. But last night on my sticky note that I placed at the top of my mat, I wrote how I show up for myself as this: "I show up by allowing as much compassion as I need for myself to work through my fears in order to heal and try to live my best life each day". Boom. Showing up. Tomorrow, I will show up by getting out of bed and tackling a day that does not bring me any peace whatsoever. I will endure the scan, blood draws, wait and worry with strength and unwavering compassion for myself. I will be scared. I will be anxious. But I will be there, taking on whatever comes my way because I will always show up for the woman that has gotten me through so much. I owe it to her. Take some time to think about how you show up for yourself. Be proud of that! It doesn't have to fit anyone's mold or ideals but your own. Also challenge yourself to be there for yourself and show up in a way that might seem hard. By doing this I believe you will redefine your strength and create the utmost respect for you own capabilities. -M
