"When the worst has already happened, why would I get so scared about something that could actually be good".....I heard this in a movie this past weekend (can't remember which one, haha) and in true "me" fashion, it got the wheels a spinnin'. I was in a virtual meeting with one of my directors at work last week and he asked me what my goals are long term...ha! Did he really say LONG term goals? I stumbled through my response and I finally just went full on transparency mode with him when I said I truly am a goal setter, always have been...but the idea of planning for anything "long term" has been completely foreign to me for the last 3 years. I haven't really allowed myself to think that far into the future. I felt/feel as if that level of guarantee that I might have a long term future was completely stolen from me three years ago when that damn lump turned into my greatest nightmare. The instant I googled "metastasis", my invincibility vanished into thin air. For the first time in what feels like forever, I actually find myself going there, you know, daydreaming about what might be possible. Talking about what I think I want to do in my career, although honestly, I still don't truly know, was a little frightening and yet also very liberating. You know that feeling where you truly feel deep down in your bones that you are destined for something, but you just can't seem to put your finger on what "it" is? Well, don't tell my boss, but that's kind of me. This whole conversation, though, lit this fire inside of me. The worst has truly happened to me...it doesn't get much worse than miraculously escaping death's doorstep. So with that said, I really shouldn't fear, well, anything. Especially not the idea that there is something out there that could be actually good. It's time for good...it's time for possibility...it's time to live without standing in my own way.
Yesterday was the the shortest day of the year, which some could loathe as it was filled with more darkness than the days prior, but some of us view it as the beginning of more light to fill the days ahead. If this isn't just the perfect yearly metaphor for my life, well, I don't know what is. As I continue to be haunted by the things that plague my past, I am actually mesmerized by where this new light might lead me. It's a weird feeling to have been stumbling through the dark for so long and then for whatever reason, feel so optimistic for a chance to live in a period of radiant light. It's not lost on me that this idea of peace, this light, could in fact be fleeting. Regardless, I won't waste it. I can't. I have learned to hold onto this hope in a way that for me means letting it guide me to fulfilling something greater than what I could have planned out for myself. I don't like the dark, but it doesn't have the same hold on me as it once did, for I know that even a little spark can guide me, teach me and mold me into the person I am meant to become. Cheesy, perhaps, but true...absolutely.
This time of year is really hard for me as I know it is for many of my friends and readers of this blog. Darkness in whatever form, has brought about a pain that sometimes doesn't just vanish when you are supposed to be happy and festive. It actually makes the trauma, the pain deeper and somehow harder to breathe. While I don't have the answers to it all, what I'm finding is that in these moments, look for the spark. It doesn't have to be a bright, guiding light. It. might just be a dim flicker in a sea of black, but my friend, it is there. I'm also learning that it is ok, hell perhaps necessary, to believe that one spark will lead to another and another and you can allow yourself the optimism to once again bathe in the beautiful rays of light that you deserve. What's really the harm in allowing yourself to go there? Like the quote said..."the worst has already happened....why be scared of something that could actually be good"?
By all means, please don't downplay your walk through the darkness. It is hard to navigate your life when you seriously cannot see the way. Part of what makes this journey so important is choosing to see the light even when you feel like you are fumbling around desperately in need of a light switch. What I know, is that kind of reality, the kind with so much darkness, is what makes us so much more grateful for the brighter days that we so, so deserve. I'm giving you permission on this first day of more light, to go there...dream, plan, embrace the idea that more light is ahead. If you can't see the flicker, I hope you will reach for my hand and let the little bit of light that I'm seeing guide us both. Hang on dear friend...I've got us. Much love in the light-M
The gift of light we thankfully take
But not shall it be alone for our sake
The more we give light
The one to the other
It shines and it spreads and it glows still further
Until every spark by friends set aflame
Until every heart with joy to proclaim
In the depths of our souls a shining sun glows.
-Author Unknown