Why Hello There, Spark!
Have you ever found yourself in a state of pure exhilaration? Like anything seems possible, even when a negative situation arises? And when conflict, confusion or doubt starts to breach in on your state of conscious joy, you just give your shoulders a shrug and still feel like everything is going to work out just fine? This hasn't really been my norm for the past, oh, year and a half, but that's been me for the last week. It might be due to the clear scan I had last week...yes, I said CLEAR FREAKIN" SCAN! I kind of hate making a big deal out of it because who knows how long that could last, but at the same time, I'm all good right now, so celebrate!!!!! This high on life feeling might also be because the pain that I'v been dealing with down my arm, which I found out is due to lymphedema (I had 19 lymph nodes removed during surgery), is finally gone!!!! I had a great check up with my plastic surgeon last month, too. I'm healing and looking and feeling more "normal". All. Is. Good. It's been a long damn time since I've been able to say that. Six months ago all of my cancer/clinical trial/healing side effects started and just now are they starting to get under control. I was driving home from my cancer center this week and I just had the best feeling about my life. For the first time in awhile, I felt ready to set some goals. Like, really set some that focused on ME. Not the cancer me, but ME, ME! Maybe I'm elated because it's finally time that I get to know her better. The new and improved version of myself that doesn't have to eat, breathe and live with shitty problems, but the one who has overcome them and faces new ones with so much more strength and capability. She seems like she'd be a pretty kick ass chick to get to know. I'm in no way saying that my life is suddenly a fairy tale. Far from it. I have bills to pay, weight to lose, relationships to figure out, a job to find joy at and so on and so forth. But maybe, just maybe, I now get the chance to focus on some of these other things without this constant reminder that cancer tried to bring it all to a halt. The even better part of all of this is I find myself coming up with so many grand ideas of how I want to live in the next 6 months. It may seem weird to most, but I feel like I am living in segments of time right now. With a scan every 6 months, it's like I have one scan....get hopefully good news...then charge at life full speed ahead until the next scan. Weird, I know, but my reality. So where can I travel? Who can I get to know better? Do I want to move? Sign up for a race? Which concert do I have my eye on? Is it a drop everything and go to Yoga kind of day? These are things that fuel me. Passions, I guess. I find myself seizing more opportunities and more moments. Not putting anything off. It feels really good. I probably seem a little crazy, spontaneous and perhaps reckless (in a good way) to others. To me, it's when that spark is
shining so bright that I find a little peace and contentment. I hope it stays lit for awhile and if it goes out, which it very well might, hopefully I have the means about me to find a way to light that baby back up. I know life is about the ups and downs, but boy, the ups are feeling really great right now and I just want to stay here as long as humanly possible. Find your spark....wave it around and by all means, don't let anyone or anything take that happiness away from you. If it's coming from within, it's yours to keep.-M