Hello beautiful people. This is me checking in so that you know that I'm still here. I've gone two years passionately writing several posts a month and this summer has been a struggle. Not because I haven't been trying, but I just haven't been able to put my words into any sort of configuration that would make any sense to you. The universe has also been conspiring against me each time I've sat down to publish something! No, really, I just finished something magical and my internet connection failed and poof! my thoughts, emotions, everything just vanished into thin air. A "failed connection" kind of sums up my emotional state! haha. I realized I had two choices....1) cry or 2) start over and perhaps put out something even better and maybe even more authentic. Starting over is my specialty.
If I'm being super honest, these past six months have been a complete daze. I've done some great things, have had some amazing revelations, but overall I feel like I've been walking through my life half alive and definitely broken. I've been struggling to put one foot in front of the other, even though I seem like I'm my best cancer free, living it up self. My infection and surgical trauma in January derailed me in a pretty significant way. The funny thing is....no one gets it. My mind and my body have literally been at war and I just keep going through the motions and the expectations that have been placed on me. I try my best to act and respond as if nothing has changed and I'm just always available. I'm 10 days out from surgery #6 which will be followed quickly by surgery #7. I get the feeling from others that because I've had so many surgeries this should just be an easy ride. The reality is, the reason I'm having so many surgeries is because it most certainly is not. I'm scared of going down this road yet again, but I know ultimately it is the way for me to be able to put my life back together. It's not a desperate attempt to put the pieces back the way they once were, but a hope that I can recreate an existence with even more love, grace, confidence, gratitude, peace and wisdom. I've been living on pause now for way too long. I'm ready to forge ahead. Oddly, I'm looking forward to my hospital stay because I need the time alone to just focus on myself. A few years ago I adopted the mantra "Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind", because I notoriously show up for everyone but myself. I was living pretty true to taking care of me until now. I'm not taking care of myself the way I know I need to and I really hope this next obstacle will literally break me open so that I can once again internalize just how capable, resilient and brave I am. I can do hard things and I can put the world on mute so that I can regain my strength and composure. It's not lost on me how screwed up it is that I'm looking forward to a hospitalization to help me create some quiet and stillness, but nonetheless, my hope is that it is one giant, successful RESET.
I read a quote this morning by Stephanie Bennett-Henry. It read:
" You don't know it yet, but one day you will reach a low you never knew existed and you will lose yourself. Getting yourself back again will be one of the hardest seasons of your life. But, spoiler alert, you do get yourself back, you do make it in the end and you become so much stronger. So, keep going. For all the times you hit bottom, there's a thousand times that prove you don't belong there."
There is so much change happening in my life right now and while it creates even more unrest, I know I'm heading in the right direction. It's dream season, ya'll. My hope is that I can use these pre surgical days as a time to dream. Dream of what I am capable of doing, achieving and becoming. It's going to be a tough road, but I am a tough woman. To the new, more confident version of me...I'm coming for ya! My wings aren't completely broken, just really tired and heavy. I know without a doubt, I will be ready to fly once again. Keep On Killing It, my angels. Much love-M